MEGA CITY — Mad scientist Dr. Wily announced he would be scaling back his plans for a new fortress after exhausting his search on Zillow for “castles with big ass skulls in the middle of them’, his robot henchmen have confirmed.
Wily placed the blame for the market’s lack of castles with big ass skulls squarely on his nemesis.
“If I’m going to dedicate my life to building master robots to terrorize the planet, I need to be on brand with a labyrinthian stronghold with a giant ass skull sitting front and center. And thanks to that blue asshole destroying the last eleven that I’ve had, the market for them has completely dried up. I’ve been scouring Zillow for three weeks and I’ve found nothing,” said Wily. “Sure, there are a few massive castles here within my price range with disappearing blocks, but they don’t have the same intimidation factor that comes with a 50-foot-tall skull for a front door.”
Zillow’s customer service staff were doing their best to accommodate Wily’s demands.
“What can we say other than it’s a tight market for evil-looking, booby-trapped lairs. We’ve done our best to accommodate him in spite of his barrage of complaints, but many of the designs Dr. Wily wants aren’t zoned for commercial use, let alone for world domination,” said rep Jim McCaffrey. “There are dozens of properties in Silicon Valley which can house his master robots and their copies, but he just wants that skull so badly. Like we get it man, you’re evil but beggars can’t be choosers.”
A coalition of former neighbors of Wily were adamant about keeping him out of their towns.
“We have always been a tight-knit community of mad scientists with terrifying skull-faced laboratories, but Albert Wily has brought nothing but headaches. How he keeps qualifying for mortgages to buy castles is beyond us, and we’ll never forgive him for strong-arming Dr. Cossack into squatting in his Kremlin,” said Igor Smithy. “If he wants another castle so badly, he can build one himself in a more remote area. Every time Mega Man comes to town he starts eyeballing our homes and I’d rather not be on the receiving end of a mega buster.”
At press time, Zillow reps were able to find an affordable 60,000 square-foot skull embossed fortress, but Dr. Wily passed on it after learning it was located in Cleveland.
