MESA, Ariz. — Devoted Overwatch player Daniel Brooks firmly rejected invitations to play Marvel Rivals as its fandom has not yet generated an adequate amount of smut, sources confirm.
“I’m something of a connoisseur of hero shooters, so yes, I have high expectations,” said Brooks. “I’m not even asking for anything hardcore. Sure, I’d love to see Jeff the Land Shark just going to town on Spider-Man’s ripped frame, but I’d be happy enough with some tasteful depictions of Namor teasing. Don’t act like I’m the weird one, here. I mean, come on—no one who has seen the art from this game hasn’t wondered what Peni Parker gets up to with that robot.”
Brooks’ friends were frustrated, but not surprised.
“He does this every time,” said Melissa Perez, friend and teammate of Brooks. “We ask him to squad up, and he goes right to Google. ‘Valorant rule 34,’ ‘Battleborn slash fic.’ He refuses to play unless he can get his rocks off first. Honestly, we’ve come to accept that, but I still struggle with his broader worldview. He keeps claiming that a game’s success is directly proportional to the amount of porn it generates. After Concord, he was strutting around like he had won the argument. I’m just glad that the evidence is back on our side.”
Pop art researcher William Abbott said that the phenomenon is not as unlikely as some might assume.
“Dear Lord, the Rule 34 maniacs,” said Abbot, as he grew visibly agitated. “I can appreciate that their monetary support means that more artists are able to live on their trade, but I don’t know that their culture is worth examining too closely. I personally know of one individual who stopped playing Animal Crossing because not enough artists were creating explicit material of his favorite villager. Does that sound rational to you? Seriously, no one gives a shit about Norma.”
At press time, Brooks’ friends admitted that they had paid a DeviantArt user $400 to produce a significant quantity of explicit Marvel Rivals content, as they really needed a healer.
