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Dialogue Skip Shaves Seconds Off Grocery Speedrun

WHITEHALL, Ohio — Shocking news in the world of speedrunning as a local nobody sets a new world record after discovering a critical dialogue skip at the local Kroger, sources there have confirmed. 

Camden Lowe, 19, set a PB earlier this week after a quick dip into the grocery store for a pack of gum. Unknowingly, Lowe re-routed the former record’s route and ended up finishing six seconds faster than the fastest recorded time. 

“For years the self-checkout kiosks were too far off path to be viable for a world record attempt,” said Lowe regarding his historic performance. “But with a few frame-perfect tricks and insane RNG, I was able to get in and out of Kroger in 37.56 seconds.”

The legitimacy of Lowe’s run has been called into question by fellow speedrunners in the community. Many have been vocal that controversial tactics used in the run should disqualify the record-breaking attempt. 

“Entering through the pharmacy entrance has been reserved for the Assisted Any% category given that’s the entrance with all the handicap parking spots,” said Barbra Buckley, fellow speedrunner and former world record holder. “And cheatin’ Camden illegally blocked the fire lane with his CR-Z! Completely delegitimizing the run.”

While Lowe’s record currently sits atop the leaderboard, he has not been able to recreate the magic since. However, the discovery of a new time skip has speedrunners returning to the category, trying to make history themselves. 

“Most casual runners utilize Lowe’s dialogue skip so there’s almost always a line. Unfortunately for speedrunners, the fastest option was always talking to the 15-year-old cashier and mashing through dialogue as fast as possible but it’s almost impossible to get past the charity check quickly,” explains returning champion, Judd Marshall. “You would have needed Dream-like RNG to even get close to the world record going Lowe’s route, I can’t even get sub one minute going that way.”

The speedrun itself has a limited number of runners given that it is pay-to-win, which has turned many potential speedrunners away due to the financial implications. 

At press time, a new ‘shadow’ category of the speedrun has emerged that bypasses checkout completely but has been classified by the State of Ohio as theft.

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