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Masked, Gun-Wielding Video Game Protagonists Demand Better Working Conditions

SAN FRANCISCO — A collection of masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists have banded together to demand better working conditions, sources have confirmed. 

“We can no longer continue to be the main characters of your exploits without proper healthcare, among other things” said one star of the upcoming Wizard with a Gun, who had his gun out but wasn’t doing anything with it so it was cool. “It’s true that we are heroic and ask for very little in the way of gratitude or compensation, but we do think it’s time that we get some basic stuff covered. Did you know we’re technically independent contractors and we have to pay for our own bullets? It’s time for a change. I had to make this mask myself!” 

Fans of the masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists that banded together to demand better working conditions have largely expressed support for them. 

“I didn’t know it was like that, that’s really fucked up,” said Scott Bivens, a local gamer. “These protagonists put food on [the publisher’s] table, and these fat cats pay them back by turning them loose into these worlds with no weapons, no items, and a very limited moveset to begin with. They’re not equipped to succeed. These guys are the reason our favorite games exist and we can’t even get them decent protective eye wear or anything?” 

Several members of the group of masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists insisted that they’re comfortable with the extreme demands of their job, and they’re merely asking for adequate compensation. 

“We know what we signed up for, this isn’t about that,” said the Gunslinger from Demon Throttle, a throwback NES-style shooter that was released last year. “It’s about maybe getting us a retirement plan or some meal vouchers or something.  They said they’d pay me back for mileage but I haven’t seen a cent, even after I turned in all my gas receipts last year. This job sucks.” 

As of press time, the masked, gun-wielding video game protagonists had issued a series of demands, most notably asking to appear in one fishing game for every two action games they headline.

Hey! This article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! You can wishlist Wizard with a Gun on Steam or you can check out Demon Throttle on the Nintendo Switch to help support these masked, gun-wielding, hat-wearing, video game protagonists fight for a higher wage.

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