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Janitor Cleaning Up at Carrion Facility Really Wishing He’d Been Killed Too

CLASSIFIED — Relith Science custodian Ray Cunningham was reportedly wishing for the sweet release of death after being assigned to clean up the secret research facility recently attacked by a mysterious creature known as “Carrion.” 

“Jesus Christ, this place is a living nightmare,” said Cunningham as they waded through a small pool of blood and guts collecting in the 3rd floor men’s bathroom. “I was horrified when I saw that mass of red flesh ripping its way through some of my closest colleagues, but they were the lucky ones, man. They don’t have to figure out how to mop sinew while wearing three pairs of rubber gloves. I hate my damn job.”

Compliant Custodians, the independent contracting agency responsible for janitorial services at Relith, sympathized with Cunningham’s struggle to sanitize the underground caverns where scientists made the fatal mistake of tampering with forces beyond their control.

“Our associates are at the heart of what we do,” said Compliant Custodians’ Chief Communications Officer Sabrina Aaron. “That’s why we’re proud to offer one free hour of mental health counseling and unlimited unpaid mental health days so our hardworking staff like Mr. Cunningham can process witnessing the gruesome deaths of hundreds and return to work as soon as possible.”

Cunningham, the only member of the facilities staff to survive the tragic events, expressed skepticism that the task of cleaning would be completed anytime soon. 

“Do you know what I did when I saw the creature? I ran. I ran, and I hid. And what did it get me? A single bottle of bleach. I ran out within five minutes, and I have to go through my HR contact to get another. Guess what? They’re dead. And they didn’t tell me who I’m supposed to talk to instead. I’d give anything to be in their shoes.” 

At press time, Cunningham had found additional Hazard Pay compensation in his paycheck in the form of a $25 Applebee’s gift card.

Hi this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital, because they are the publishers of the incredibly cool horror game CARRION. Please check out CARRION. It is gorgeous, spooky, and fun. For extra fun, you can even imagine poor Ray Cunningham cleaning up all the goop and blood you leave behind as you play. Here’s a link to CARRION on Steam; it’s just 20 bucks!

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