LOS ANGELES — Major game studios have confirmed that clicking the buttons on the controller really will reduce the load time just a little bit.
“We’re putting the rumors to bed: Yes, the progress bar does kind of ‘speed up’ if you click the buttons really fast. It’s not a dramatic change, but it’s there,” read the statement, which was signed by every single game developer. “We have absolutely no idea why this occurs.”
The press release included a trove of schematics and internal documents, showing that it has always been possible to ‘game’ the loading system in this way.
“Pong? Just rotate the dial back and forth. World of Warcraft? The whole server runs quicker if you click the mouse constantly for no reason. Not to mention, mashing buttons is the only known way to successfully load Grand Theft Auto 5 on a console,” said Rockstar co-founder Dan Houser. “Still takes a while, though.”
Reactions to the announcement were mixed, with many gamers asking why the information was kept secret for so long.
“Don’t get me wrong — it’s nice to be vindicated after all these years,” said lifelong button masher Kevin Thompson. “From tapping the ‘A’ button on N64 as a kid, to messing with that thumb pad thingy on the DualShock 4, I’ve always known things were getting a boost in there, somehow.”
Developers later issued a clarification that, as soon as they figure out what causes the phenomenon, they will be charging a subscription for it.