DETROIT (MI) — Investigators are reportedly trying random garbage in their inventory to solve the murder of Travis Purcell, 32, the apparent victim of a brutal decapitation, according to an official statement.
This morning, Detective Michael Clark of Detroit PD’s homicide unit spoke to reporters about the authorities’ rush to beat the clock.
“At this point in the investigation, we have no suspects or potential motives. The culprit was thorough in covering their tracks and left very little evidence. However, while we might say that we are stumped, Detroit’s finest are relentless in their efforts to bring Travis Purcell’s killer to justice,” he said. “We have already begun the standard procedure of combining random shit from our inventory until a solution presents itself.”
The detective then presented a rubber duck and a canopener from the victim’s apartment out of his pocket, held them together, said, “hmm no dice,” then put them back in. He then pulled out that same rubber duck with a chinese take-out menu, said, “I don’t think that’s what rubber ducks are for,” and put them both in his pocket.
“It’s unfortunate but a lot of cases go unresolved for years this way,” said former Commissioner Suzanne Macklin. “Investigators try to be as thorough as they can but getting into the mind of a psychopath is incredibly difficult. Often times detectives won’t think to combine used chewing gum and dental floss to create a make-shift fishing line then using that fishing line to retrieve a key from a nearby claw machine until years after the case turns cold.”
Towards the end of his press statement, in a moment of desperation, Detective Clark pulled out his state-issued firearm and said, “I don’t think shooting the rubber duck would do anything,” before putting his weapon away.
UPDATE: Just after the press conference, police discovered a silver locket in a dumpster several miles away. Official statement by investigators detailed that “it’s a silver locket,” “looks important,” and “I should probably hold onto this just in case.”
At press time investigators are leaving no stone unturned, no hypothesis untested, and no random piece of shit uncombined with that silver locket they just found in the dumpster.
