Dear Hard Drive,
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. My only hope is that it reaches you before something terrible has happened. Please allow me to explain my situation.
My husband and I have two boys, our absolute angels. Connor is older, and has always been such a solid kid, very reliable. Cody is younger, and is kind of a free spirit, but at the end of the day he’s a great kid too.
When they were young they got along like a parent hopes their sons will. Sure, there was some fighting, but it was always at a minimum, and never anything serious. Mostly they played together. Whether they were getting along or not, they were inseparable, that’s what I remember the most.
Those days didn’t last long, however, as our sons began to grow up and grow apart. Connor got a PlayStation 4 in his room and started getting really into playing games online with his friends.
Some time after that, Cody saved up some money and bought an Xbox 360 so he could play Halo with some of his buddies. Things were never quite the same after that.
These days, the sounds of them playing and laughing have been replaced by them yelling through their bedroom walls, accusing each other of wanting to suck off their favorite video game systems. None of it makes sense to me. All I know is this intense dedication to their specific video game system of choice is driving our whole family apart. The console war has come to my front door. My house is now a battleground.
I understand that kids will be kids, and of course they won’t always get along. But the other day I came home and found Connor doing what I can only describe as waterboarding his little brother in the bathtub until he admitted that the new PS Plus service was comparable to if not better than Game Pass. My poor little baby! He told me that it just felt like drowning and he couldn’t even say the thing his brother was trying to make him say. Just awful stuff.
When I asked Connor why he would do this he told me Cody provoked him endlessly about how his favorite system’s former so-called “exclusives,” are now mostly available on PC. So honestly, I get where his frustration comes from. I tried to explain to him that his reaction to those heinous things his brother said was valid, but overblown and quite frankly, dangerous.
I fear that these fierce loyalties have become thicker than my sons’ blood, and the way things are trending, it’s not hard to tell that things are almost certainly going to grow more violent. I went to a local GameStop and asked them what they thought I should do and the guy just asked me if I wanted to buy any NFTs or Funko Pops. When I said no he just said, “fuck it,” and lit a cigarette right there in the store. I don’t think I want to go back there. So I have found myself writing to all of the most prominent video game websites: IGN, Hard Drive, and then the other less popular ones as well.
I’m not sure what to do, Hard Drive, but I’m afraid my sons are about to seriously injure one another over their devotion to the video game systems they prefer. It’s pretty weird.
Signed,
Worried About Likelihood of Ugly Grappling Incident
Dear WALUIGI,
Fuck! That sounds shitty. I don’t know. Ground their asses. Take their video games. They’re for adults now anyway. Hook their shit up in your bedroom. Check out some Devolver Digital games.
Truth be told, we’re a video game satire website. I’m very sympathetic to your situation, but I just really don’t know what I can offer. Not even really sure how you got our email, to be honest. We never claimed to be one of those websites where you could send us your problems. If anything, I think we’ve given off the vibe that we very much serve the opposite purpose — speaking to us may very well create more problems.
The best I can do is not make jokes or anything. I’ll just print your letter and wish you well. Once again, I really just want to say that I think your whole thing there sounds pretty shitty and well, I wish you luck. Hoping IGN answers you.
Thanks for reading Hard Drive!
