Welcome, young gamer. Welcome! Please, come in, and gaze upon my curious shoppe of all things gaming. What can I interest you in? Ah! A PlayStation 5 seeker. Well, young gamer, how does this strike your fancy: a beautiful, brand new PS5 unopened in the original box, never played by human hands.
The price? Oh my boy, your money’s no good here. Please, I insist! Take it for yourself and enjoy its vast library of next-gen titles free of cost. Although I must warn you, loyal customer, that while this PS5 costs no money, it does carry, shall we say, a different cost.
You won’t find a better deal anywhere else. Walmart, Best Buy, GameStop, all will be sold out for months into the next year. If you want to have access to the hottest new games in mesmerizing definition, please kindly prick your finger with this burnt twig and sign this customer agreement on ancient parchment with your blood.
Don’t worry about the ominous Gregorian chanting emanating from inside the PS5, that’s standard for all the models. Furthermore, I’m afraid I cannot offer you a warranty or return policy as our entire storefront will mysteriously vanish the moment you leave and suddenly turn around to give the console back.
Now listen, young gamer, you must act quickly. Scalpers will simply acquire this PlayStation and sell it back to you for triple the cost, so getting it for your measly soul now will allow you to afford the luxuries of an extra controller or a full year of online play without draining your bank account.
Alas, my conscience gets the best of me. If you play this PS5, an unfathomable doom awaits you, for if you boot up one of the games, you will have to register your email for a UBISOFT UPLAY ACCOUNT! Run young gamer! Run and never look back!