BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Former PlayStation mascot Crash Bandicoot has once again been asked to leave 7-Eleven if he does not put on a shirt sources inside the convenience store have confirmed.
7-Eleven franchise owner Sal Petino is furious after once again having to throw Crash Bandicoot out of his establishment.
“Our policy is very clear,” explained Petino. “It’s written on the door. But Crash comes in with no shirt, pissing all over the place, spinning around like a maniac. It’s not right. And to make matters worse, since he started coming in, other Australians have started showing up acting the exact same way.”
When asked for his side of the story Crash simply replied “Whoa,” followed by unintelligible gibberish. Luckily his sister Coco was able to help defend him.
“It wasn’t pee,” claims Coco. “We bandicoots secrete a special lipid mixture from a gland behind our ears whenever it’s mating season. He can’t help that it’s mating season and he’s been lonely since Tawna left.”
But that makes no difference to Sal. “I don’t care where it’s coming from. It’s getting on the nachos.”
And the store owner isn’t the only person affected. Community members from all over Downtown Brooklyn are speaking out.
“I understand that not all people have the privilege of shirts,” stated Khytari Brunson, a 21-year-old cellist attending the Brooklyn Academy of Music. “But I think it’s unjust for Crash to get special treatment just because he’s a bandicoot. Bandicoots are known to carry the plague – yet he’s in there every day, foraging for grubs, breaking boxes, and stealing all the wumpa fruit. You know how hard it is to get good wumpa fruit in Brooklyn?”
Bandicoot expert and arch nemesis of Crash Dr. Neo Cortex gave his insight into the situation, advising that Crash be put down.
“I’ve known how awful he is for decades but no one took me seriously. It’s all fun and games when the target of his antics is some evil genetic experiments but once he starts messing up your big gulps you start to see what I’ve always known.”
At press time, Crash was seen spinning out of 7-Eleven and into a CVS.
