Press "Enter" to skip to content

Corrupt Police Robot Now Up to 60 Framings Per Second

NEW YORK — A spokesman for the NYPD has reported that their newly implemented prosecution robot is now capable of falsely accusing up to 60 innocent people of crimes per second.

The robot, dubbed Artificial Crime Analysis Brain (ACAB) is designed to autonomously identify and arrest criminals. Sofia Franco, the inventor of the automaton, described the moment she created it.

“The city was about to put $125,000,000 towards frivolous things like subsidized housing and homeless shelters, but I told them to give it to me and I’d find a better way to get the people off the streets. So I designed ACAB to be the ultimate police officer, one that could clean up the streets with more efficiency than a human but with the logical thinking of a computer to avoid internal affairs investigations.”

NYPD Chief Abby O’Hara spoke on the android’s work in the field.

“ACAB’s purpose was to help clean up this city in a more efficient manner than regular human police could achieve. We believe it has accomplished that and did so by the book. No human police officer could frame as many poor, African-Americans as quickly as ACAB has. The experiment has been a success for the NYPD.”

Local civil rights leader Reverend Jessie Maynard issued a public statement about the android, 

“It’s clear what’s necessary is reparations – take that damn thing to Microcenter so they can repair it! Moreover, a computer has no place in deciding who goes to jail; writing our essays, making our art, raising our children, taking our jobs, yes, but not putting us in jail! They claim that it’s just a few bad cookies, but it’s clear this is a system issue!”

At press time, the department has overclocked ACAB’s GPU to get it up to 90 framings a second.

We\'re giving away 50 Hard Drive t-shirts and other merch items to Patrons this week.
Become a patron at Patreon!