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Cop Spawn Camps Homeless Shelter

VENTURA, Calif. — Police officer Bud Dewar has been using the controversial “spawn camping” tactic on a local homeless shelter, instead of walking a beat or investigating specific cases.

“I know it’s kinda lame, but it’s an easy way to get my rank up. Like, I could go out there and catch some actual criminals doing actual crimes, but that’s so hard, dude!” said Dewar during an all-night stint in front of Community Hearth, the shelter in question. “I’m trying to get enough experience to drive those tanks the precinct just bought.”

Selman Khandwani, a shelter resident, expressed dismay. 

“Every time I look outside he’s there, man. I know it’s not technically against the rules, but it sucks so much ass. I just want to buy my lunch,” Khandwani said, watching Dewar bite into a sandwich, spilling mayonnaise on his handcuffs. “I know it pads his stats, but couldn’t he at least find some other powerless targets every once in a while?”

Khandwani explained that, unfortunately, Dewar was only part of a larger problem.

“It would be really nice if there was a co-op area or something where we could team up or even just have some fun. It’s nothing but PvP out there, and it’s making the entire community really toxic,” Khandwani said. “Last time I tried to chat with somebody, they just said ‘lol get a job loser!’ I’ve been trying to get a job! Who do you think is stopping me?”

Others claimed the real problem was that cops were OP from the beginning.

“I wish it were as simple as discouraging spawn camping, but the reality is that cops start out with access to more weapons, buffs, and vehicles than any other players,” said Katie Broda, an activist and organizer with the Nerf the Police organization. “Balancing, or flat out removing cops from the game entirely is the only solution.”

When asked to respond, Dewar insisted he wasn’t going anywhere.

“My wife left me and my kids don’t return my calls,” he said. “I have nothing but time.”