REDMOND, Wash. — A controversial leak revealing Microsoft’s internal conversations and plans has unveiled a startling discovery: the tech giant once attempted to hire a hitman to assassinate popular Nintendo character Diddy Kong.
“And you’ll do it? You’ll kill that fucking monkey?” reads one of many damning email exchanges between Microsoft Gaming CEO Phil Spencer and an undercover agent he believed at the time to be a marksmen for hire. “If we can’t acquire these assholes, we’re gonna hit them where it hurts. And I don’t mean their wallet, I mean I want to torture and kill Diddy Kong and then see what happens the next time we offer to buy them. I want to be clear here, make sure he feels everything. Your money will be given to you upon completion.”
Spencer quickly went into damage control mode after the leak went public.
“Whoa, can’t you guys tell a joke when you read one?” Spencer asked gathered reporters in his front lawn this morning. “First of all, I don’t even think Diddy Kong is real. Why would I spend our hard earned money trying to kill a fictional character? Also, concerning that message where I say ‘Find out if that monkey is real or not and kill it if it is,’ that’s just my sense of humor. That’s how I kid around.”
The shocking and illegal revelation overshadowed many other details about upcoming Xbox plans and products.
“Wow, there’s so many cool things, like new systems and remastered games like Fallout 3 and Oblivion,” said local gamer Kyle Waters. “But I really can’t get past the fact that Microsoft thought they would somehow gain an advantage in the console space if they somehow had Diddy Kong murdered in cold blood. Those guys should just focus on console exclusives and keeping Game Pass good, if you ask me. Not trying to acquire and/or murder the competition.”
As of press time, Spencer was seen joking with the reporters on his lawn that he had a gun in his waistband.