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Conservative PC Gamer Demands Release of Hunter Biden Laptop Specs

WASHINGTON — Conservative PC gamers have taken to Twitter (now X) to rehash their grievances stemming from Hunter Biden’s laptop controversy, with the group now demanding the release of still-unknown and potentially incriminating hardware specifications.

Dane Newman, the leader of this rehashed crusade, took to Twitter demanding answers. 

“All the corrupt mainstream media have told us is that Hunter Biden’s laptop is a water-damaged MacBook Pro, but there are so many red flags that suggest a hardcore rig,” posted Newman. “Like why did he take his laptop to an indie repair shop instead of the Genius Bar like every other Mac noob?  What’s he hiding in there? Did he overclock his Intel chip?  Was the water damage the result of an after-market liquid cooling system malfunction? What does he think of Stellar Blade? Did he have Joe Biden call his buddy Tim Cuck to honor the Apple Care warranty despite an unauthorized RAM upgrade?”

Joel Dunning, a former employee of the Delaware computer repair shop that serviced Hunter Biden’s laptop in 2019, shed some light on the hardware in question when reached for comment.

“The thing was in pretty bad shape when we got it.  Apart from the water damage, there were cigarette burns on the case, glitter all over the screen, and the keyboard smelled like ass,” said Dunning.  “But as far as the guts, it was all OEM, nothing crazy or anything. Unless you consider OxyContin and semen residue non-factory components.”

A spokesperson for Hunter Biden released a statement that included previously unknown details on the now infamous laptop.

“Hunter Biden would like to set the record straight regarding his computing requirements.  Even at the peak of his addiction to pornography and illicit transactions on the dark web, Mr. Biden never came close to exceeding the capabilities of his base model MacBook Pro.  And as evidenced by the thousands of compromising raw images and clips recovered from my client’s laptop, he clearly isn’t doing any serious photo or video editing either.”

At press time, the Republican-led House Oversight Committee is investigating allegations Hunter had installed RGB lighting all over an external hard drive full of his own nude photos. 

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