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College of Winterhold Graduate Regrets English Major

RIFTEN — Local English teacher Celesisionil Smith is reportedly disappointed in his career path following his graduation with a Master’s in English from the College of Winterhold.

“I just wanted to party while I was there, man. I wasn’t focused on any of that nerd shit,” said Smith, who only learned the single Firebolt spell required for admission. “Looking back, I think getting a degree in making skulls melt might’ve served me better in Skyrim day-to-day than my thesis on The Lusty Argonian Maid.”

After graduating last year, Smith made his way to Riften to teach high school English and Composition. Home of the Thieves Guild, Riften was voted “Literally the Worst Possible Place to Live in Skyrim” for the last fifteen years in a row.

“I was mugged six times last week. SIX TIMES!” said Smith, claiming he was unable to afford rent in any other town. “I should have taken that one elective on how to shoot acid from my hands, but it was an 8 a.m. class. I was usually still too drunk from the night before to attend.”

The English Department is a relatively new addition to the College of Winterhold, created 6 years ago after Skyrim implemented more strict education regulations across the province.

“We only have the department so we can maintain our status as an actual ‘college’ and get government funding,” said Savos Aren, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold, whose quarters contain fewer than 10 books. “I think we had one sucker actually come through the program, which still baffles me because I don’t think we even had any professor assigned to teach it.”

Smith is in the midst of writing a novel about his experience, and has already made a deal with a publisher to produce one copy and leave it buried in a tomb on the outskirts of town.