RACCOON CITY – In an embarrassing moment for all present, while exploring a mansion owned by the Umbrella Corporation Chris Redfield was unable to kick in a locked door despite his big thick boots and giant leg muscles.
The former Special Tactics and Rescue Service member reportedly hung his head in shame as he continued through the residence with the rest of his team.
“I used to punch boulders out of the way that were ten times my size,” Redfield shared in a hushed whisper to anyone who would listen. “It’s got to be the boots. I usually wear my Red Wing boots. This is what I get for trying out Thorogoods. I won’t make that mistake again.”
The crew, made up of Redfield’s longtime friends and partners in bringing down Umbrella, Jill Valentine, Leon S. Kennedy, and his sister Claire Redfield, were all but ready to move on, but the eldest Redfield continued to dwell on the locked door.
“A key with a shield emblem on it? Who are these hack architects still designing mansions for Umbrella,” Redfield pondered out loud in a desperate attempt to pass the buck on his failed door bashing. “I get a little queasy after ingesting some red herb. Give me an hour to flush it out of my system and I’m sure I’ll be able to kick that door in.”
Having enough of his excuses, Valentine cut in to help bring Redfield back down to Earth.
“I know it may not look like it, thanks to the anti-aging properties of herbs and first aid sprays over the years, but we’re getting old, Chris,” Valentine said, caressing his face. “We’ve all been doing this for a while now. You think I can lock pick every door I come across? You can’t beat yourself up for not being able to kick in one door. You just turned 51, give yourself a break, old man.”
At press time, Valentine had successfully circled back and unlocked the door with her trusty lock pick.
