SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Star of the upcoming Super Mario Bros. Movie, Chris Pratt, shocked Mario fans by debuting a pitch-perfect Mario impression just to fuck with you.
“It’s-a me! Mario! Wa-hoo!” said Pratt in a staggeringly perfect Mario dialect before shifting back to his regular monotone. “That’s right. I can do it. It’s not even hard for me, I’ve always been able to do it. I just do not want to. Why am I choosing to use my regular speaking voice, and dialing back any emotion or inflection? Fuck you. That’s why. Go fuck yourself, I hate you. My Mario voice is just for me.”
Pratt went on to explain that his role in the Nintendo-backed film was due to his pristine imitation of the famed Italian plumber.
“When [Illumination] cast me, they didn’t even know it was the star of Guardians of the Galaxy, they just thought they were getting a perfect Mario voice that would work for scale,” a grinning Pratt said. “When I showed up, they were incredibly surprised, but I assured them I would stay true to the character’s iconic voice. When I got in the recording booth, however, I flat out refused to do anything but my phoned-in regular voice, completing my master plan. I’m in breach of contract, being sued for millions, and will likely never work again, but it was worth it, because you’re pissed off. Fuck you. Bitch.”
At press time, sources at Illumination reported that Luigi fans will still be delighted by Charlie Day’s impeccable voice impression of a slightly-panicked Charlie Day.
