ATLANTA — In an attempt to help Americans better understand and adjust to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement encouraging Americans to start intensive training regimens to acquire vital new skills going forward.
“This pandemic has raged on for nearly a year and has shown no signs of stopping,” CDC Director Rochelle Walensky said. “And yet even now we still have a major obstacle to overcome: getting through all of this and discovering that your friend group is as dull as they were before. Go on a long training journey and meditate under waterfalls or something cool.”
The statement was met with immediate backlash from concerned Americans who felt they could not afford such intense measures.
“Very few small businesses are equipped to survive a time skip. It’s not fair to expect us all to do this,” Derrick Stocker, the owner of a local pharmacy, said. “The people I know who could afford to stay home instead of work are gaining weight and taking up hobbies like knitting. If the government wants us to learn how to become wyvern riders and acquire legendary swords, they need to cancel rent.”
Despite the criticism, leading medical experts continue to stand by this approach, citing the fact that major events have always served as a precedent for such actions.
“The fact of the matter is that COVID-19 was on a power level that Americans have never seen before. If we don’t prepare by spending the next year developing new powerful forms then we’ll never be able to protect our friends, families, and best girls,” explained Doctor Anthony Fauci. “Also, it’s either this or another year of filler arcs where we figure out who’s the best at baking fig newtons and sourdough bread.”
Dr. Fauci later showcased his planned outfit for after the time skip: an exposed muscular chest slightly obscured by a tattered medical coat. He also drew attention to the fact that one sleeve was missing to show off the new arm scar he got from the vaccine.
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