ATLANTA – Individuals vulnerable to the Woke Mind Virus are encouraged to buy two doses of Stellar Blade in order to help prevent future outbreaks, as per new recommendations from the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released yesterday.
Kyle Joshua, Director of the Center For Forecasting Woke Outbreak Analytics, discussed the new guidelines in detail during a press conference earlier today.
“2023 was a disastrous year for this country, with releases like Baldur’s Gate 3, Spider-Man 2, Alan Woke 2, and Forspoken spreading WMV at a pace never seen before,” Joshua said, circling his laser pointer around images of Miles Morales and Saga Anderson on a PowerPoint slide. “It’s going to be a nasty 2024 for WMV. We’re racing the clock to beat out the Star Wars: Outlaws release in the fall. It is of utmost importance that you purchase a copy of Stellar Blade and quarantine your woke family and friends into small spaces and leave them there until they agree that the jiggle physics of the game’s main character really are something to behold.”
Joshua followed-up the CDC recommendations with a few warnings and some of the tell-tale signs that a loved one may have caught the now rampant WMV.
“Purchasing Stellar Blade won’t completely remove the risk of catching WMV. That is why we also recommend a good pair of ear-plugs and a sleep mask, especially when in close contact with individuals that you believe have caught the virus,” Joshua said as he demonstrated how to properly wear the mask. “Sure signs of WMV include unironically frequenting Kotaku or IGN, not liking the latest Joker trailer, playing a female character with a manlier chin than mine, and pronouncing BIPOC correctly.”
Joshua had just about wrapped his statement up when a group of anti-Stellar Blade protestors barged in and seized the microphone.
“We will not be oppressed with your sleep masks,” one protestor in a Guy Fawkes mask shouted at members of the media. Signs carried by protestors shared the sentiment. “Jiggle Physics? More like stay out of my business,” one sign read. “ Chins up, eyes uncovered,” read another. “Joel deserved what he got,” read one sign referencing the late The Last of Us protagonist.
At press time, Joshua had been escorted from the premises to the chants of “Joker Sucks,” from protestors.
