BUFFALO, N.Y. – Longtime COD fan and sunk-cost fallacy enthusiast Elmer Welsh is paring down his yearly Call of Duty expenditures after yet another disappointing release, multiple sources confirmed.
“I’m sick of this. How many years in a row can they give us the same game with fewer features and not expect consequences?” said Welsh, while entering his credit card info into Battlenet. “After I pre-purchase all 100 tiers of the battle pass, I’m done spending money on this game until season two. If they keep this up, my significant investment into the soon to be burgeoning Vegas Legion will have been wasted. I wish COD would go back to its roots, wherein I’m somehow a child escaping the reality of my parents’ divorce again.”
Welsh’s game duo, Anton Knight, had some choice words for his friend when asked by reporters.
“I tried everything. It didn’t have to be this way.” said Knight, while loading a revolver like he’s George from Of Mice and Men. “At some point you have to just cut the cord. Like, the Call of Duty league waived their $25 million dollar league entry fee, but he paid it anyway ‘for the culture.’”
Alicia Campbell, head of psychology at UCLA, said what Welsh was going through was not an uncommon phenomenon in her clinic. In June of last year, she wrote the leading academic paper on the topic.
“Showing your son the ‘No Russian’ mission at 9 years old essentially severs the logic center of the brain,” she explained. “And there’s real debate amongst health professionals about what could happen to society if each CoD release keeps getting worse.”
We may have already gone too far to change course, she warned.
At press time, Welsh was 4-26 in team deathmatch using the most flamboyant, ugliest $30 gun camo imaginable.