Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 offers a diverse arsenal – perhaps too diverse for the liking of some of the playerbase. But not all weapons are just dangerous in-game – some in particular seem to carry an unreasonable high risk of leading their users down the path of a PewDiePie-like heated gamer moment.
Hard Drive spoke to a team of social scientists who studied this issue and is proud to produce the first official record of which CoD guns increase the likelihood of players getting banned for hate speech.
1) MCW – 95% Likelihood
The MCW’s doesn’t just produce high damage but also the ability to somehow unleash players’ most heinous inner thoughts. It’s as if the weapon comes with a side of 4chan training, making its users prone to chat-related red cards.
“I don’t know how it happens,” player Alex “AlexDaGreat” Henderson. “As soon as I pick the MCW, I’ll be unemployed for 10 years”
2) Striker – 90% Likelihood
Fast, furious, and almost guaranteed to help players break some hate speech laws in the UK, the Striker is a gun choice for those with truly nothing to lose. Mute these players quick – or just the whole lobby.
3) Longbow – 85% Likelihood
Perfect for those who enjoy the quieter, more patient approach, until they’re caught off-guard and lash out in the voice chat, revealing their not-so-patient nature. Let’s hope no one is recording. Missed shots often translate into bizarre conspiracy theories about opponents’ alleged race and cultural proclivity for cheating, followed by a barrage of not-so-creative expletives. Avoid.
4) Renetti – 80% Likelihood
This gun literally has a “slur” attachment spot.
5) MTZ-556 – 75% Likelihood
People who use this gun are actually pretty progressive on race and seemingly approving of others.
Don’t ask them about women though.
6) BAS-B – 70% Likelihood
Did you hear Trump walked out at the UFC with Kid Rock and Tucker Carlson? The guy who picked this gun did, and he wants to tell you about it.
This is the gun your good ‘ol boy ex-roommate who always had a problem with “woke” commercials picks. You haven’t talked in a while but you approved his party invite. A few rounds in you hear him crack a beer. A few rounds after that and you hear all the insights and opinions that remind you why you don’t hang out anymore.
7) AMR9 – 65% Likelihood
AMR9 users have actually been noted to break into song mid-game, altering the lyrics of pop songs to include insults aimed at their opponent’s alleged ancestry.
They’d make perfect fodder for a T-Pain highlight reel killstreak.
8) Holger 26 – 60% Likelihood
Known for its high fire rate, the Holger 26 also seems to increase users’ “time until banning” and proclivity for impassioned speeches on in-game voice chat about the decline of modern civilization, peppered with unsavory theories of how we got there and how these fucking (CENSORED) players camping is part of it.
9) KV Inhibitor – 55% Likelihood
This is a weapon that kills you before you know what happened. Silent and deadly. Never saw it coming. Just like the threat of immigration, according to the brain wormed 14 year olds who choose this gun.
10) SVA-545 – 50% Likelihood
The SVA-545, while less likely to lead to bans, has a unique quirk. Its users occasionally hold their mics up against their cell phone speakers and play full length episodes of “Tucker Carlson on X.”
At press time, Call of Duty developers were considering adding a ‘mute player’ feature that automatically activates whenever certain weapons are selected, just to be safe.