IRVINE, CA – Amidst a run-in of legitimately terrible company decisions, Activision Blizzard seems to have finally struck gold with the announcement of Overwatch 2’s first straight character.
“We figured that it was the perfect time to try something new,” said Lead Hero Designer James Stevenson. “The roster already has plenty of sexualities. It might just be the perfect time to introduce a straight, white male into the equation. We really think this new addition to the roster will help appeal to a large subset of our fanbase that hasn’t seen a character they can relate to, this subset being toxic male gamers of course.”
Analysts on Wall Street predict the 15% increase in ATVI’s stock price could continue higher. Some estimates predict the marketcap may reach $75 Billion, the same amount it would cost a player to buy everything in the Overwatch 2 shop, before taxes.
“I can’t believe it took the team this long to get to this point,” notes avid fan Marcus Kristina. “I feel like I’m able to relate to a character for the first time since Soldier 76. Well, before they changed him, at least. Everytime I start to identify with a character I learn that he’s either gay or half black or respects women or something. It’s really reassuring to know they care about players like me.”
At press time sources confirmed Activision Blizzard is considering implementing this new design philosophy into future Call of Duty titles as well.
