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Boeing Reminds Passengers Planes Are All Still in Early Access

ARLINGTON, Va — After weeks of reported malfunctions and passenger injuries, Boeing responded to customer concerns by reminding the community that its planes are still in early access.

“All of our released planes currently remain in early access, so some issues are to be expected,” Boeing said in a statement. “Fortunately, many airlines were willing to purchase our planes at full price, knowing that they may very well never be ready for a production release. Early access is extremely important to Boeing, because we truly believe that the development of airplanes is a collaborative process between our manufacturing teams and airline passengers themselves.”

“In addition, the money earned from these planes being in use for the last 25 years will continue to help crowdfund development for bug fixes, like making sure the door stays on once the plane reaches altitude.”

Sean Pullman, a frequent flier, was less than enthused by the admission.

“How have I been paying full price to fly on planes that aren’t even ready to be released to the public? I just need to get from one place to another, without dying. I shouldn’t have to be sending in bug reports for every missing bolt, busted MCAS, loose tire, overheating cable bundle, or hydraulic gear fire. And honestly, I’m not feeling great about pointing out issues with Boeing’s planes after what happened to the last guy.”

The FAA also released a response to Boeing’s statement through its spokesperson, Kay Whitley.

“Ultimately, our job as a government agency is to take a step back and allow airline manufacturers to decide how best to regulate themselves, and then do investigations into the resulting issues. Once we’ve determined that the companies are indeed negligent, we come up with a fine for them to pay that looks like a large sum of money but is really absolutely meaningless beneath the wave of profits they make every year. Besides, it’s not like anyone’s dead.”

At press time, Whitley was seen confirming her next United flight would be on an AAA Airbus.

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