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Barcade Bartender Decides Man Needs to Be Cut Off From DDR Machine

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local Barcade bartender Michael Atticus was forced to eject a patron for disorderly conduct after deeming he needed to be cut off from the Dance Dance Revolution machine in the corner Friday night.

“When you’ve been working in a Barcade as long as I have, you just know when people have had enough,” explained Atticus. “They get a certain look in their eye, like they’re about to do that thing where they play on both platforms at once, and that’s when it’s time to leave before they hurt someone else or themselves. Normally, we would be happy to take his quarters all night, but something about this guy just assured me he was better off on the streets tonight. He wasn’t even drinking, dead sober, just clearly had some emotional problems to work out, and DDR is no way to fix them.”

The next morning, the patron in question, Nick Sutton, felt ashamed of his previous actions.

“I don’t know what came over me; I’m incredibly embarrassed,” Sutton said. “It’s been a rough year. Susan left and I just didn’t know anywhere else to turn. My dad was a fierce DDR player when I was growing up, so I should have known that this was hereditary. After I was thrown out of the Barcade, I went around all night to other arcades, movie theater lobbies, and mall food courts until eventually I just practiced combos in the gutter on the street. It was a real low point for me.”

Sutton went on to explain the effect his DDR playing has had on his family.

“I’ve lost so much weight my children barely recognize me anymore,” he said, holding his head in his hands. “The Barcades have my picture up on the door, so I had to bring the DDR into my home. When Susan found a Wii hidden in my study, that was the end. I would demand every family vacation be to Japan, and nearly squandered my daughter’s college fund when DDR Extreme 2 came out.”

As of press time, Sutton claims he has not touched a DDR machine in over ten days, and thankfully has been able to cope with his addiction by drinking and doing drugs.

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