MONTREAL – Users of the Animus, the groundbreaking machine made by Abstergo Industries that lets one see into genealogical memories, have recently been reporting visions sourced from colorful mascots rather than their ancestors.
“I was experiencing life as an assassin in 16th century Italy, and suddenly I woke up in McDonaldsland,” recounted Scott Miller, a frustrated Animus user. “I was stuck staring at a plate of Chicken McNuggets for nearly an hour, and everytime I tried to look away I would get desynchronized.
“Who are they trying to fool by telling me that Grimace was one of my ancestors?,” continued Miller. “I got so fed up with the whole thing that I tried to kill the Hamburglar just to feel something. If they don’t fix this, my future children will use their Animus to relive me getting a refund.”
The backlash against commercials in customers’ consciousness has spurred a response from Melanie Lemay, who currently serves as Chief Creative Officer at Abstergo.
“We were taking a leap of faith into personalized sponsors but didn’t quite stick the landing,” read a statement from Lemay. “The data on memories was accidentally mixed up with what products our users are genetically predisposed to enjoy.
“While these ads may feel like being stabbed out of nowhere, we do recommend that anyone upset go out and eat a delicious Big Mac. If anyone using the Animus experienced any advertisements for heart disease pills, they should likely heed that as soon as possible.”
Abraham Berger, a templar who lived over three hundred years ago, had a lot to say via the Animus in between visions of delicious eats.
“Their existence is the bane of our goals, and we’ve been working for centuries to extinguish them for good,” declared the templar. ”I could not tell you how many of my friends they’ve killed in our quest for a new world order.
“Always hiding in those forsaken bushes, carrying their blades,” Berger continued until we explained that we were talking about advertisements and not assassins. ”My apologies, I can’t say I know what an advertisement is.”
Amidst the backlash, Abstergo has promised that it will work on removing these advertisements from future synchronizations. Though it seems that not everyone has been displeased with the new memories. One such customer who has been using the animus quite a lot since the update had this to say:
“Seeing the memories of the world through your ancestors eyes is just like a delicious bowl of Frosted Flakes, they’re Grrrrrrrreat!”
