Exciting news from Amazon this week as they unveil new plans for their upcoming delivery drone program. Jeff Bezos has announced that each and every drone will be equipped with the Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting System or V.A.T.S. for short.
“We’re extremely excited to roll out our new delivery drones in 2024 and I’m personally ecstatic that we’ll be able to implement this new technology as well” Bezos said in his statement, while dressed in a red smoking jacket on the balcony of his penthouse, “Our drones will be able to delivery our customers packages with pinpoint accuracy!” he said as he fired a rifle at passersby on the street below.
Bezos wanted to emphasize that V.A.T.S. was primarily just being used to help eliminate possible errors and ensure packages were delivered to the correct addresses, however when pressed about the other capabilities of the targeting system he didn’t shy away from revealing the lethality of the project.
“Well of course the drones will be fully armed, we can’t take any chances can we?” Bezos said as he took a deep inhale from some sort of hallucinogen he referred to later as Jet, “What if a pack of feral ghouls show up and try to steal your toilet paper or noise canceling headphones? Not gonna happen! We’ll shoot those mother fuckers in the head! What if a group of raiders tries to take your baby’s new Amazon Kindle?! Wouldn’t it be easier to cripple their legs instantly so they can’t take a single step closer?”
It’s a bit unclear what made Amazon rush to make this drastic change to the design of their delivery drones, though many speculate it’s inspired by the launch of their new Fallout series to be released next year. One unnamed cast member has said that Bezos actually visited the set, and after a while began to act strangely,
“He kept asking everyone to refer to him as the Overseer, it was really strange,” our source on set told us, “The weirder thing was when I was negotiating my contract with him he kept trying to pay me in bottle caps. I really couldn’t tell if all this was some sort of elaborate joke only a crazed billionaire would try to pull off or if he had just blurred the lines between reality and the game.”
Either way it seems Prime members are in for a rad new experience and Bezos promises the show and the drones will have a 100% chance to hit.