2024 is a presidential election year in the US, and as always, Americans are less than thrilled about only having two candidates to choose from. While there’s obviously some political differentiation between the one white man in his 70s and the other white man in his 80s, the pickings are rather slim.
If you find yourself wishing you had a few more options, well — you’re in good company. There are actually a ton of great leaders (all dead) who would have at least made the competition interesting.
From all-powerful dictators to democratically elected politicians to even more all-powerful dictators, here’s a ranked list of how well the leaders from Civ VI would do in the 2024 US presidential election.
77. Lautaro
Coming in dead last: Lautaro. The guy’s got a major baby face and is giving strong millennial vibes. Conservative media outlets would run wild with a “How much money does Lautaro spend on avocado toast?” story that would unfortunately destroy his candidacy in its infancy. Plus, I’m not sure how long he could get away with not wearing a shirt to the debates.
76. Menelik II
A quick glance into those crazy yellow eyes and you can tell Menelik II is revving up to fire off one of those Howard Dean “YAAAAAA!!” screams after he gets 3rd place in Iowa — and we all know how that went. Plus, he won’t stop saying “The hills are mine,” and I don’t think the voters in Appalachia are going to love that sentiment.
75. Basil II
American politicians seem to get off on ending speeches with “May God protect our troops,” but Basil II takes the religious thing a bit too far. You can tell by the look on his face that he refuses to have ANY fun, at all. At least go to a Midwestern county fair and flip a burger or something, my guy. What’s the point of creating a Super PAC if you’re not going to get mauled in the press for flying on private jets?
74. Nader Shah
Nader Shah’s got a couple of things going for him — he wants to standardize coinage and he’s super invested in the success of the military. However, he’s literally so paranoid he has his own son blinded, which doesn’t go over super well with, well, all parents. Enough people still see him as a “strong leader” and a “no-nonsense guy” who “goes with his gut” that he makes it up a few spaces on the list.
73. Kristina
The truth is, Kristina would probably be way too smart to run for President. You’d think she’d get a ton of support as a well-educated marksman who doesn’t mind wearing men’s clothing, but unfortunately, Fox News is going to run a hit piece on her claiming she’s “indoctrinating our children.” Thankfully, Kristina will completely ignore it as she’s quite certain the anchors over there are not “fellow lovers of learning.”
72. Catherine de Medici (Black Queen)
She may have proven herself to be a great Queen Regent — but unfortunately, she’s French, and that’s just not gonna cut it in an American election.
71. Catherine de Medici (Magnificence)
Sadly still French, but ranks higher because of her cool mask.
70. Eleanor of Aquitaine (France)
French, but blonde.
69. Yongle
Ordering the death of all your enemies and having your own secret police is definitely not going to go over well on either side of the aisle. Plus, Yongle’s claim to fame is an encyclopedia he ordered a bunch of people to create that I’m pretty sure could be put together by AI in about 40 seconds. Cool hat, though.
68. Wu Zetian
There’s a very small subset of annoying evangelicals who are going to be absolutely thrilled when she says she plans to ban OnlyFans under the guise of “protecting women.” Unfortunately, those 15 people won’t be nearly enough to get her anywhere close to the White House. She’s going to drop out before the primaries start and move to Utah.
67. Peter
It’s great that Peter can brag about how he modernized Russian culture and politics and made education compulsory. But the man put a tax on beards. BEARDS. You tax beards, you’ve lost both the left and the right. From the redneck hunters and incel chinless to the Kelce Brothers and Jason Momoa — it’s not happening, Mister Mustache.
66. Bà Triệu
Bà Triệu murdered her own sister-in-law and basically spun up her own army! Unfortunately, we do not respect strong women in this country, and when she says she wants to “serve the people” it turns out she’s just going to end up serving time.
65. Tokugawa
Nobody cares if you’re a brilliant military strategist if your methodology for staying in power is to completely close the borders and isolate everyone. Americans require access to K-Pop, Shein, and the Great British Bake Off. You take those away, Tokugawa, and not only will you not be President, but you’re going to have to leave the country (and good luck doing that if the borders are closed).
64. Harald Hardrada (Konge)
Harald Hardrada’s biggest platform is the need for a strong Navy. He literally won’t talk about anything else and goes insane over the islands being built in the South China Sea. He sails off the coast of the Pacific right after Super Tuesday and is never heard from again.
63. Jadwiga
Jadwiga is part of the Moms for Liberty group and is trying to implement a book ban in her local school district even though she doesn’t have kids. She doesn’t have a shot at the Presidency but would probably be able to take out Ron DeSantis if she moves to Florida. She’s also just about to get served in a lawsuit from former students of the unaccredited Krakow Academy.
62. Wilhelmina
Folks generally seem to like Wilhelmina, but there’s no escaping the “Why were you neutral during World War I?” assault that’s going to be fired at her from every journalist at every news outlet. Eventually, she’ll give up and flee to England, though supporters will keep wearing “We Heart Wilhelmina” shirts for a few more years.
61. Genghis Khan
Genghis Khan gets a lot of support from conservatives for being incredibly brutal before he admits he’s planning to do away with inherited titles. The ultra-high net wealth crew that said they’d fund his campaign will almost immediately back out, leaving him penniless. (They’ll also learn that they don’t actually enjoy seeing their enemies boiled alive, anyway.)
60. Qin Shi Huang (Unifier)
Republicans get wildly fired up over the fact that Qin Shi Huang wants to build a Great Wall, even if they’re the ones paying for it. He’s burning books, executing scholars, and the crowds are going wild. However, his desire to standardize everything down to the length of cart axles is problematic. There’s no way he’s going to let people keep driving those gigantic F-350s on his streets. Cries of “government overreach!” end his campaign fairly quickly.
59. Shaka
Shaka is basically running on a “give the military all our money” platform. He’d actually have a great shot at a cabinet position like Secretary of Defense, except for when he goes completely off the rails after his mom dies and demands a bunch of people and animals be executed so that everyone can be as sad as him. Democrats will call him a monster and Republicans will call him a crybaby.
58. Wilfred Laurier
Wilfred Laurier is way too moderate to pull any voters from either side, and constantly gets accused of flip-flopping. Plus, that last name is dangerously French.
57. Frederick Barbarossa
Frederick Barbarossa comes out of the gate swinging. He’s stubborn as they come and doesn’t mind doing a little bribing when he can get away with it. However, he won’t stop holding a grudge against his political rivals and burns out pretty fast during Barbarossagate when he’s found recording their private conversations.
56. Montezuma
Democrats are super excited about Montezuma’s push to get rid of private prisons until they find out it’s because he plans to sacrifice every convicted criminal on an altar in the name of the harvest. Some folks never get over the “Montezuma’s Revenge” joke so he does manage to garner a fair amount of support from the “God gives his worst tummy aches to his toughest soldiers crowd,” but that’s not nearly enough to win anything.
55. Poundmaker
Poundmaker actually has some fantastic ideas, but he’s so obsessed with keeping the peace he can’t seem to give a speech where it doesn’t sound like he’s endorsing his political rivals.
54. Ambiorix
Ambiorix is a darling of conservatives. He won’t stop talking about building mines and keeps saying stuff like “bring back clean coal” and “beautiful black lungs,” and gets super aggressive if he’s questioned about it. He only wins West Virginia and then disappears on a 3 month-long hunting trip.
53. Dido
Dido’s likely to have the money to finance her own campaign, which wins her a lot of support on the trail. She’s actually super excited about climate change because she’s going to be poised to settle all her coastal cities in about 20 years when the country is underwater. However, she talks a lot about her humble beginnings as a refugee, and that goes over terribly with the “Here comes the caravan!” crowd.
52. Pachacuti
Pachacuti is both a songwriter and a prolific builder! Okay King! This is definitely up Americans’ alley. The problems arise for Pachacuti when people start realizing he’s married all of his supporters into his royal family and every person at his rallies is some kind of glorified nepo baby.
51. João III
The fact that he’s big on furthering trade might get João III pretty far. But when he says “We both know the sweet melancholy of the sea” to Wolf Blitzer during an interview, people start worrying about this emo sailor’s mental health. He’s forced to drop out and start therapy, and make a statement that no one should be afraid to ask for help.
50. Gitarja
People are enthralled by the drama of her coming into power because her brother was murdered by his physician after seducing the guy’s wife. Gitarja loves the coastal shores and gets a lot of support in the South, but not a single Southerner can pronounce Tribhuwannottunggadewi Jayawishnuwardhani so it’s really tough to get any grassroots action going.
49. Harald Hardrada (Varangian)
This guy makes a lot of promises about how much loot he can provide for a guy who’s clearly stoned. Harald Hardrada manages to rile up a very small but staunch group of supporters who sail off, get lost in the Atlantic, and then get arrested trying to pillage Myrtle Beach.
48. Jayaraman VII
Overall, people like the idea of Jayaraman VII’s public works programs — that is, until he mentions he plans to put a rest stop every 15km without realizing Americans don’t know what a kilometer is. Plus, people get up in arms when he mentions he wants to use their tax dollars to build temples in honor of his parents instead of Jesus. Out before the primaries.
47. Ludwig II
Unfortunately, America just isn’t ready for a gay President who spends the entirety of our GDP on building pretty fairytale castles.
46. Teddy Roosevelt (Bull Moose)
Congratulations on creating an entirely new party for yourself in an election year after losing the primary, Teddy Roosevelt! This is truly a massive feat of ego, sir. But America is, sadly, a two-party country, and there’s absolutely no way this is going to go well, election-wise.
45. Cleopatra (Ptolemaic)
The internet cannot get enough of the drama surrounding the mysterious poisonings amongst Cleopatra’s campaign staff, but it eventually starts becoming more suspicious than fun. The constant investigations force her to spend all her campaign money defending herself in court.
44. Saladin (Sultan)
Republicans are stoked about the religious wars Saladin keeps spinning up until they realize it’s against Christians. They freak out that he’s trying to “take the Christ out of Christmas,” and the internet is overrun with videos of conservatives losing their minds outside a Hallmark Store when the cashier wishes them “Happy Holidays.”
43. Saladin (Vizier)
Same story, except that a (very) small number of Americans remember the term “Vizier” as being Jafar’s title in Aladdin, and that kind of nostalgia is something they can get behind.
42. Kublai Khan (Mongolia)
Supporters are generally pretty content with the fact that Kublai Khan loves paper money and encourages trade. But Americans are nothing if not superstitious, and the fact that his naval fleet gets ~magically~ destroyed by two separate storms has the boys a little weirded out.
41. Nzinga Mbande
Nzinga Mbande’s massive push for decolonization pretty quickly gains a foothold among progressives, but she’s a little too patriotic for them to actually feel good about supporting her. The only time they truly feel comfortable shouting “USA! USA!” is when Simone Biles is doing a routine on the balance beam.
40. Suleiman (Kanuni)
Suleiman actually seems to care if people are happy with their lives, but that unfortunately seems to come in second to his constant need for conquest. Ultimately his wild paranoia era in which he has his advisors and sons killed does his campaign in. Cool hat, though.
39. Cyrus
Cyrus manages to get fairly broad support since he’s pretty tolerant of religions and cultures, yet seems very supportive of states’ rights. People dig him until they tire of his obsession with marrying Tomyris. Democrats think he needs to learn no means no, and Republicans think he needs to learn not to be a beta.
38. Tomyris
Sadly, Tomyris herself gets brought down by being tied up in the Cyrus drama. Everyone gets a firsthand look at her honor code when she asks Cyrus if he wants to “take things outside” during a debate and then gets out her calendar to force him to book a time and place right there on national television. She manages to win out, but the whole thing just leaves a bad taste in everybody’s mouth.
37. Matthias Corvinus
Matthias Corvinus manages to get quite a wide swath of support early on — conservatives love his obsession with the military, while liberals are happy that he’s a patron of humanists. However, his plan to stop Congresspeople from trading stocks means he rapidly loses support among fellow politicians, and he can’t get an endorsement to save his life.
36. Suleiman (Muhteşem)
Suleiman has support because he has built some pretty cool shrines and schools, and people are enjoying them. When his secret pen name is leaked along with his poetry, everyone completely forgets about his politics. The left calls him “Poet Zaddy” while the right starts a conspiracy that he’s gay. He drops out of the race but does sell some poetry books through an independent publisher.
35. Kublai Khan (China)
Americans love political families, and Kublai Khan being Genghis Khan’s grandson definitely wins him support. However, starting a war with Vietnam can only win the heart of so many Americans.
34. Cleopatra (Egyptian)
The “will they”/“won’t they” thing with Julius Caesar is super entertaining to the American public for a while, until it’s clear that it’s a “won’t.” Her “Get ready with me for a day on the Nile” eyeliner instructional videos become fairly popular though, so she never quite fades into obscurity.
33. Gilgamesh
Gilgamesh drives cross country in his “war cart,” aka his GMC Sierra 2500 with flags mounted in the truck bed. Conservatives go nuts for this guy until they realize he’s super into literature, which is a huge turn-off for them.
32. Sundiata Keita
Unfortunately, Sundiata Keita has a reputation for being very ugly, which is something Americans cannot abide. Our politicians have to look at least passable in 4K unless they are wearing terrible orange bronzer.
31. Amanitore
Progressives adore her construction and restoration projects, however, she’s too far to the left to pull even a single moderate vote. To be fair, she once nuked my Capitol after I stole a couple of her cities through disloyalty, so she’s probably being heavily underestimated.
30. Lady Six Sky
Republicans adore the fact that she’s led several successful military campaigns, but her love for 15-minute cities drives them all away.
29. Mvemba a Nzinga
Mvemba a Nzinga gains a ton of support from liberals for his platform of creating affordable housing and condemning the slave trade in Kongo, but it won’t last once they realize he never actually gets farther than enacting a royal committee to “look into” the status of slaves.
28. Pericles
Liberals love Pericles! Especially because he’s so adamant about protecting democracy. Plus he plans to raise the pay for jury duty and give everyone free access to the theater. But in a cruel twist of fate, Pericles dies during a plague. A little too on the nose, if you ask me.
27. Qin Shi Huang (Mandate of Heaven)
Liberals are eager to get behind Qin Shi Huang and his infrastructure projects, but the book-burning stuff sends them all running for the hills. Cool hat, though.
26. Victoria (Age of Steam)
Victoria’s got a lot going for her — creating infrastructure like a sewage system to get the liberals interested and having wars on distant shores for the conservatives. Sadly, America is not yet ready for its first goth president.
25. Gandhi
Americans love a good nickname, so it’s great that Gandhi lets his friends call him Bapu. He seems competent which gets him some early support, but Americans cannot comprehend the concept of a hunger strike. He has to drop out of the race because he can’t stop for ice cream at a mom ‘n’ pop shop in middle America.
24. Phillip II
Phillip II is a nepo baby who built himself a massive empire simply by inheriting a massive empire from his father. It’s easy for him to keep funding a campaign no matter how much support he actually has. He’s a big believer in the Divine Right of Kings — that is, that God made him King, and since God makes no mistakes, neither can he. His entire campaign is spent trying to prove that presidents should be immune to any and all prosecution. Unfortunately, only one presidential candidate is allowed to do this at a time, so he’s out.
23. Hojo Tokimune
Americans go absolutely crazy when Hojo Tokimune calls upon a magical divine wind to destroy enemy ships and it actually works. His supporters start bringing copies of The Secret for him to sign at rallies. But he’s a little too restrictive under bushido — a capitalist country doesn’t do “frugality,” my friend. Nobody wants to be judged for buying an $80,000 car, Super Bowl tickets, or 300 Stanley Cups.
22. Kupe
Obviously, Kupe snags a ton of female voters up front because of his looks. His focus on the environment means he ends up representing the Green Party, so there’s no way he’s gonna get enough votes to win. Al Gore stumps for him, though. Choice.
21. Seondeok
Liberals love Seondeok for her welfare policies and investments in schools, while conservatives love that she’s cramming religion into all state affairs. But she just seems to make too many alliances, which is problematic for America’s military-industrial complex. If every country is America’s friend, who will we invade for oil?
20. Chandragupta
Chandragupta is a major supporter of veterans, decking out his soldiers in finery and providing them with servants. But his “October surprise” is a leaked text referring to Justin Trudeau as a “stench” too close to the US’s borders, and it’s going to tank his campaign right before the election.
19. Tamar
A forward-thinking patron of the arts and cultures, Tamar is also a staunch defender of the US. She even has a big enough ego to demand her face be put on coins. What’s not to like? Well, she divorced her husband for being a drunk and then refused all marriage proposals for the rest of her life because she believed men were problematic. She’s not wrong, but America’s not ready to hear that.
18. Sejong
Sejong gains support quickly by commissioning scientific studies on gunpowder and farming, standardizing a currency and script, and supporting infrastructure and art. His downfall? Pushing for implementation of maternity leave. That goes against the capitalist heart of America. Lobbyists will find a way to destroy this man, whatever it takes.
17. Teddy Roosevelt (Rough Rider)
Somehow, racist Teddy Roosevelt still seems to rank fairly highly in the history of American Presidents. Mr. Manifest Destiny managed to enact direct taxation, and labor reforms and cared about the environment. But there’s no way a massive gaffe doesn’t end his campaign. Somebody, somewhere, has a picture of Teddy Roosevelt in blackface — and that’ll be the end of that.
16. Simón Bolívar
Everything seems pretty cool with Simón Bolívar at first — he’s well educated, and is focused on retaining independence — and then he starts declaring himself Dictator. Surprisingly, about half of Americans are not at all bothered by this (or his mini-mutton chops). Even the media seems to handle it flippantly. Ultimately, his campaign ends when he catches tuberculosis after refusing to be vaccinated.
15. Ramses II
Somebody’s been drinking Haley Beiber’s Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie from Erewhon! Ramses is extremely arrogant and obsessed with military conquests, so I’m sure you’re wondering why he ranked this high. Well, he was on the throne for 7 decades and lived well into his 90s, and that carries a lot of weight in a gerontocracy. Americans love to see someone in office until they’re about to crumble to dust before our very eyes.
14. Victoria (Age of Empires)
With a bit more imperialistic vibe, Victoria ranks herself higher. She makes nonstop speeches about America being “the greatest country in the world,” and her social work actually backs that statement up. However, folks are a bit uncomfortable about her seeming to get off on the constant attempts on her life. After she releases a statement that it’s “worth being shot at—to see how much one is loved,” the only people left supporting her are the “Would you still love me if I was a worm?” girlfriends.
13. Eleanor of Aquitaine (UK)
The “Court of Love” schtick gets her surprisingly far, especially as she touts the concept of chivalry. People are thrilled to get behind her, but when they realize her platform is just “fill up all our museums with stuff,” they get a bit bored. She is asked to speak at the Democratic convention, though.
12. Abraham Lincoln
Been there, done that, killed the guy. Republicans would immediately jump on the Abraham Lincoln bandwagon, claiming he’s “one of them,” until they actually sat down and listened to him speak about states’ rights. His speeches are great but they’re so long his social media team has to upload them into 8-part TikToks that no young voters actually want to watch, so he can never really garner enough support.
11. Elizabeth I
The Silent Generation stans this capitalist Queen! She’s focused on finance, investing in private companies, reformation — all their favorite stuff. However, she’s not shy about calling herself “The Virgin Queen,” and there’s absolutely no way she’s going to win the presidency without some kind of husband/beard.
10. John Curtin
Americans will put a lot of weight behind a guy who pulled himself up by his bootstraps and has a cool accent. But early in his career, John Curtin was part of the Victorian Socialist Party, which was a Marxist organization, and proudly saying the name “Marx” is campaign suicide in America. He was also a pretty heavy drinker, which Americans are actually pretty cool with unless you go into the hospital and force them to evaluate their own lives.
9. Hammurabi
Hammurabi gets a lot of support from liberals who love his passion for science, and a lot of support from conservatives who think he’s the guy that developed Hamm’s. Unfortunately, the US hasn’t elected a president with a beard since Benjamin Harrison in 1889, so Hammy’s not gonna make it across the finish line.
8. Robert the Bruce
Americans will start every conversation about Robert the Bruce by asking, “Have you seen Braveheart? This guy was appointed by William Wallace. That’s the guy played by Mel Gibson!” He gets a fair amount of support for successfully winning Scottish independence, but people won’t stop asking him to yell “FREEDOM!” at every campaign stop. Eventually, he grows tired of it, and drops out of the race to live a life out of the public eye on a golf course.
7. Theodora
Growing up as the daughter of a bear trainer before moving into cheerleading, Theodora absolutely has the admiration of the American public. However, conservatives and moderates will be completely scandalized after someone leaks an old video of her working in a brothel to the press.
6. Mansa Musa
Americans are completely obsessed with billionaires, and Mansa Musa would be no different. The problem? He’s doing too much good with his money by bringing in scholars, artists, and expanding the country’s influence. I just don’t think Americans can have any respect for a billionaire who doesn’t have 6 yachts, hair plugs, and 2 open cases with the NLRB.
5. Alexander
Alexander starts out strong by swearing he’s extremely focused on internal policy but is absolutely going to get the US into 12 more conflicts in the Middle East. Once people see his lack of negotiating skills while he’s filmed trying to haggle at his local gun shop — plus the fact that he won’t shut up about being “descended from the Gods,” he’s out.
4. Pedro II
Pedro II is a middle-of-the-road guy who has support from both sides of the aisle, but not enough to win either party’s nomination. He mounts a write-in campaign, but since his full name is Pedro de Alcântara João Carlos Leopoldo Salvador Bebiano Francisco Xavier de Paula Leocádio Miguel Gabriel Rafael Gonzaga, no one’s ever really sure how many votes he got.
3. Gorgo
Women will be calling Gorgo “Mother” on TikTok within 5 minutes of her announcing her presidential run. She’s smart, outspoken, and is serving lewks on her chariot as she cruises through all 50 states. She’d actually be a great president, but she’s a woman, so she can’t be higher than number 3.
2. Julius Caesar
Julius Caesar is for sure getting the Republican nomination with poignant quotes like “A victorious army is one led by a victor.” Wow! How meaningful. He’s likely to have won a previous election and will get dangerously close to winning this one as well. Why are people still supporting Caesar after he drove his armies across the river Rubicon?? Does anyone have tabs on Brutus?
1. Trajan
In the number one spot: Trajan. He’s got a full head of gray hair, and as we’ve already established, age is the number one factor in getting ahead in American elections. He also holds extremely broad appeal as he manages to give handouts to orphans and plebes while simultaneously putting on a 3-month death parade at the Colosseum. A little something for everybody!
