SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Activision announced today that they would be reinstituting the draft in conjunction with the American government to make sure they reach their target amount of players for the upcoming Call of Duty game, sources have confirmed.
“Damn man, I never thought it would come to this,” said Hayden Moore, a local 18-year-old gamer. “These fatcats think they can just call our number and expect us to deploy into a Warzone? It’s pretty fucked up when you have to resort to tactics like that. I object to this! Why can’t I just play my farm game and not be involved with the war genre?”
The long rumored draft is merely the latest in a long string of controversial decisions made by Activision.
“Oh yeah, we know it’s not going to be popular,” said general so and so, a former general that’s now a consultant for them. “But luckily drafts don’t have to be popular to be implemented. Each console gamer between the ages of 13 and 24 will be given a number based on their gamertag. Every week they will be notified if they’ve been summoned to mandatory Call’s of Duty or not. Good luck to you gamers, and I hope we get every damn one of you back home alive.”
Unsurprisingly, the draft was immediately unpopular with the demographic being subjected to it.
“Wait, so if I get drafted and don’t play Call of Duty for 12 hours a day, my PlayStation is going to self destruct?” asked Ty Wilhelm, another gamer that objected to the draft. “Oh man, what a dark time to be an American gamer. They’re up in their ivory towers counting their money while they march a generation of boys and girls to underwhelming gaming experiences without much variation from year to year. It’s a goddamned tragedy.”
As of press time, Activision executives announced that their immediate family and friends would all be exempt from the draft.