SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Following a tumultuous week of abuse and harassment claims at the offices of Activision Blizzard, CEO Bobby Kotick released a statement slamming his own employees for reissuing essentially the same allegations over and over, with not enough variation to warrant their own press releases.
“Enough already, we get it,” he said today, regarding the most recent wave of allegations to come forth from employees and journalists alike. “This is like 95 percent the same as the last complaints, they just threw a Bill Cosby hotel room photo in there and expect this to stand as its own story. It’s very insulting to me, an executive. I spend my hard earned money on those hotel suites!”
Gamers did not share Kotick’s frustration with recent events.
“No man, I love this shit,” said Gary Pickford, an avid gamer . “Watching powerful men pay the piper after years of misogynistic bullshit never gets old to me. I’ll open this article every fucking time you put it out, to be honest. I don’t necessarily want to revel in the pain and suffering of others, but the routine public mortification of these assholes is pretty comforting to me. I don’t mind that they’re all mostly the same, it’s just what I like!”
Employees of the company have stated that they don’t anticipate an end to the long-running series of complaints anytime soon.
“Frankly, we’re learning that there will always be an audience for finding out what absolute pieces of shit made some of your favorite games,” said Gwen Statler, a former employee of Activision Blizzard. “Between the positive response we’ve seen from the gaming community, not to mention the horrifying backlog of stories we haven’t even gotten into yet, we anticipate this series of grievances will continue for years and years to come.”
As of press time, it is rumored that the next allegations from employees of Activision Blizzard will feature something called the Kevin Spacey Gulag.