SKULL-SHAPED ISLAND — From explosive container to evil lair decoration staple, despite initial skepticism from analysts, red explosive barrels don’t seem to be going away any time soon and those in the industry are reaping the rewards of the booming business..
“When we started out making those barrels, our goal couldn’t be farther away from what it became,” said CEO and founder of Bomb Barrel Inc. Luke E. Martin. “We just didn’t know how much our usual market share of space fascists and international terrorists were ignored when it came to decorative pieces that really speak to them.”
Despite being known to be prone to accidents, public opinion stands positive on the newest ornamental classic.
“My cousin Terry did end up passing away due to a red barrel explosion, but what can I say, it’s not like he was going to last much longer if the damn thing wasn’t there,” claimed terrorist and red barrel advocate Henchman #8056. “It’s really anxiety-inducing to just wait for the armed soldier guy to just come over and kill us all, so the barrel does help us chill a bit. It kinda brings a whole vibe to the room, just a really cool thing to have laying there.”
An early adopter of decorative red barrels, criminal mastermind Ivo Caricatutti, cites it as a major reason for the recent surge in employee morale.
“While I did buy my first few barrels for, let’s say, fairly different purposes, they showed their worth as decorative pieces quite soon” said Caricatutti. “Despite their usual lack of culture, while transporting the containers to where we would usually keep them, one of my men remarked on how it looked and, as they say, a broken clock indeed is right twice a day.”
“These barrels, there’s just a subtle je ne sais quoi in their composition, one that surprisingly, even the common man can grasp and appreciate. Truly impressive craftsmanship.” Caricatutti added.
Confirming rumors, Bomb Barrel revealed there are plans to expand their line-up.
“We’re hoping to come out with a lot of new stuff for red barrel fans. We’re hoping to ship our newest green acid barrels really soon, even if you don’t like barrels, exploding red crates are coming out early next year.” said Martin “We’re aiming to always keep bringing our best, with more variety but still keeping the passion and deep respect for our customers that made us what we are today.”
At press time, Bomb Barrel has yet to respond to requests for the production of non-explosive red barrels.
