WASHINGTON — Local child Janette Lyons, 7, has been banned from participating in Alphabet Soup at lunch in the Lyons household, sources confirmed.
“We are shocked that our child would even think of abusing this feature,” said Roger Lyons, father of Janette and patriarch of the Lyons household. “At first, my wife and I were excited that Janette was showing signs of a first-grade reading comprehension and using the appropriate spelling, but once she kept spamming ‘poggers’ and ‘kappa’—that’s when things started getting out of hand.”
Stephanie Lyons, Janette’s mother and supplier of Alphabet Soup, commented on how the situation is not what her husband and herself intended when they first gave their daughter access to the customization mechanism for lunch every Thursday night.
“When we first introduced Alphabet Soup into the household, we figured it would be a fun way for Janette and her younger brother, Andrew, to innovate the daily lunchtime activity,” she said. “But now, she just harasses her brother by posting ‘ez clap’ each time she finishes her meal before him.”
When asked about what measures would be taken to end this activity, Roger Lyons stated that Janette’s access to Alphabet Soup had now been removed and replaced with Spaghettios.
“Our family believes this decision is in the best interest for our users. Janette will still have the ability to communicate with other users, but now the range of her keyboard is limited. This will help foster a more peaceful community in our household.”
At press time, Janette has been taunting the Lyons household by spamming “ooooooooooooo” in her Spaghettios.
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