Whether it’s statues, stickers, or trading cards, video game collector’s editions are often loaded with useless junk in order to squeeze gamers for every last bit cash.
If you’ve ever fallen victim to spending way too much on a collector’s edition, you may feel regret, shame, or remorse. However, don’t beat yourself up! Your impulse buy could one day save your life.
Imagine being woken up from sleep by the sound of your front door crashing open. You hear the sounds of several footsteps moving into your home. They are moving closer. You need to find something to protect yourself, and fast. But what will be your weapon? How about an item from one of your collector’s editions? Read on to learn some ways you can utilize the items from various collector’s editions to turn your certain demise into your John Wick moment.
Fallout 76 Power Armor Edition
Sure, you could probably use the items in the Fallout 76 Power Armor Edition in combat. The cheap-ass bag, if you ever actually got it, can be placed over an assailant’s head to blind them or suffocate them. The helmet can be worn for mild protection. The steelbook can be used as a solid projectile. However, the primary way to use this edition is as motivation.
Before running out to confront your foes, take a moment and look at this edition. Look at it, and tell yourself that you will never allow yourself to be such an easy victim again. Then go out and fight like you have nothing to lose. Because if you’ve sunk $200 into this scam edition, you just might.
Borderlands Handsome Collection Claptrap-In-A-Box Edition
As Sun Tzu said in the Art of War, you must know your enemy better than you know yourself, or something. I’ve never read the Art of War, but neither have you. Anyways, it may be useful to have a scout to assess the situation before you charge into the room guns blazing.
Borderlands Handsome Collection comes with a remote control Claptrap, with a camera you can see through using your phone. Send the little guy out to determine how many intruders there are, weapons they may be holding, etc. Also, if any of your intruders are gamers, they will be flooded with rage upon seeing Claptrap — one of the most annoyingly unfunny video game characters of all time — enter their line of sight. They will tucker themselves out beating your Claptrap to pieces, giving you the perfect opportunity to strike.
Doom Eternal Collector’s Edition
Doom Eternal Collector’s Edition comes with a wearable Doomguy helmet. As you may have heard from your mother or from OSHA: safety first. The helmet will protect your noggin from hits, and may help you emulate that Doom Slayer aggression you need to go kick some ass. Tell Alexa to blast that iconic Mick Gordon metal soundtrack and go rip and tear your enemies like they killed your pet rabbit. Pairs handily with a chainsaw, if you happen to have one of those sitting around.
Dead Island: Riptide Zombie Bait Edition
Infamously, the collector’s edition of Dead Island: Riptide came with a bloody statue of a woman’s bikini-clad torso. Fortunately for you in this particular situation, the statue is heavy enough to be an effective bludgeon. The invaders will be disturbed at the sight of the grotesque statue, stunning them for enough precious moments for you to land a solid strike or two. Hopefully the statue will be destroyed in the process, because come on. You really don’t want that ugly thing sitting in your house, do you?
Dying Light My Apocalypse Edition
If you had $386,000 to spare, you could have spent it on the Dying Light My Apocalypse Edition, which included an actual custom built “zombie-proof” shelter and real life parkour lessons. Nothing would be a greater deterrent for would-be burglars than living in a cabin that makes you look like a crazy doomsday prepper who would kill and cannibalize anyone who wanders on their property. The parkour lessons would give you a significant mobility advantage over your assailants, so long as you don’t pull a hamstring attempting a basic vault. Just be sure to stretch every day.
Krater Victor Edition
If you are outnumbered by multiple intruders, it may help to call in backup. If you spent $10,000 on the Krater Victor Edition, Game Designer Victor Magnusson promised to hand deliver the game to your home, cook a meal with you, and play the game together. Simply purchase this edition, and Victor Magnusson will show up, presumably armed with chef’s knives, to even the odds. Afterwards, the two of you can enjoy his homemade meal and play some Krater together. Would you like a Viking burger or Swedish meatballs?
Grid 2: Mono Edition
As my grandma used to say: when someone tries to steal from you, hit them with a car. Her mind started to go towards the end. Anyways, it’s not necessarily bad advice. If your living room is flooded with too many foes for your out of shape self to handle, maybe sneaking off to your garage and crashing a literal car through your wall is a better option. Sure, you’d then have to pay to fix your home and replace everything in your living room, but if you had $190,000 to burn on this edition, which comes with an actual street legal car, I’m sure you can afford it.
So there you have it, 7 different collector’s editions and the ways you can use them to defend yourself in the event of a home invasion. Hopefully, the advice written in this article will never have to be used. But if you do use it and it works, I will gladly accept full credit.
