Ever since Mary Shelley published Frankenstein in 1818, science fiction has pushed human imagination to its limit, helping us understand our world with imaginative new technologies, including a wide array of weapons.
Luckily, you really don’t have to worry about any of these since they all suck total ass compared to the universal remote control that Adam Sandler gets from Christopher Walken in a Bed Bath and Beyond in the 2006 comedy Click.
Here’s just 6 stupid fictional weapons from science fiction that will never fucking whip as hard as that remote.
#6 — The Jedi Lightsaber – Star Wars.
The lightsaber may be the most iconic fictional weapon not only in science fiction, but in cinema at large. Everyone already knows this. What no one knows is that even the strongest jedi would totally lose in a fight against me if I had the sparkly blue remote from Click that Adam Sandles uses to fart in David Hasselhoff’s mouth as a prank. He even makes him change color and speak Spanish!
I know what you’re thinking: “A lightsaber can cut through any material in the world.” My response to this is that it doesn’t even matter. I would just pause time if I saw you coming at me and then fart in your mouth like you were David Hasselhoff. Then I would take your lightsaber and kill you.
So that’s Click Remote: 1, Lightsaber: 0.
$5 — Tony Stark’s Repulsor Beam – Iron Man
Repulsors are the main weapons used by Iron Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Every Marvel fan knows this, but unfortunately not everyone knows that Iron Man would immediately lose in a fight against someone wielding the remote from Click.
When The Avengers came out in 2012, everyone in my junior high class kept talking about how cool Iron Man’s suit was. At this point I already had 6 years of experience defending the Click remote as the ultimate weapon online, and everyone bullied me for it constantly. It sucked, but if I had the remote from Click with me I would have gone back in time and stopped the rumors about me from ever happening. Iron Man couldn’t do that with the Repulsor Beam.
#4 —The Neuralyzer – Men in Black
Look I’ll admit, the neuralyzer from Men in Black is actually kind of cool. The ability to erase the memory of anyone who comes into contact with it is pretty damn useful. There’s a few moments from high school that I’d want to erase, except for when I started dating Katie Kacyznski. She was the only person who really got me after all of those rumors about me being obsessed with Click. Also her favorite movie was The Longest Yard, also starring Adam Sandler! How funny is that? Man, we had so much in common. I wonder how she’s doing these days…
Anyway, the Click remote can let you fast-forward through boring work days and skip straight to the parts of your life where you eat dessert, so I’m gonna have to give it the points here.
#3 — The Master Sword – The Legend of Zelda
The Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda series has one purpose: to vanquish evil. Kind of basic compared to all of the different things that the Click remote can do, I know, but it’s still got a pretty cool design. Plus it can destroy magical barriers and break curses that involve dark magic, and lets Link shift between the past and present. I know a lot about this because Zelda was Katie Kacynzki’s favorite. When we dated long distance in college, we would play Zelda at her house between semesters. In Click, Adam Sandler’s remote malfunctions and he’s forced to live out the life he selfishly chooses for himself as punishment for not cherishing his time with his loved ones.
Sometimes I feel like that’s what I’m doing these days defending the Click remote to strangers on the internet for the past 15 years instead of searching for a love like that in my life again.
#2 — The Portal Gun – Portal
I miss you Katie. I fucked up. I should never have let you leave. You were the only thing in my life that made sense. All I do now is sit at home every night and watch Click all by myself. It’s not even the best 2000’s Adam Sandler film. I wish I could write you a beautiful memory about how I’m going to use the portal gun to reconnect with you, but I don’t know how the portal gun works (I’ve never even heard of it until now because Portal came out in 2007 after Click.)
I might not know Portal, but I do know Click. And if I had the remote control with me, maybe I could finally press “rewind” and go back in time to treat you right. Then I’d throw away the remote to be with you, and leave this childish blogging behind me for good.
#1 — Indy’s Whip – Indiana Jones
I actually have a replica of this at home and it’s almost as cool as the remote from Click. Almost.
