Hey cousin! What, you don’t answer my calls no more, Mr. Bigshot? Mr. Fucking Wise Guy over here? This is your cousin, Roman, and I’m here to tell you some of the best goddamned ways I could think of to pass some time this summer while we’re not sleeping with the beautiful women I have lined up all over the city! Honestly! Come, cousin, let’s fuck this city in the ass!
Hey, why not go bowling and maybe we could kick the shit out of some punk asses or something, huh? That’s the American Dream, baby! Go suck shit! My cousin, Niko, he will tell you, you don’t want to fuck with me! Hey, what do you say we get out of here, huh?
Uhh, so I think if we go to a strip club, you should do the talking, because I tend to get thrown out of these places for being what they call an “ass-grabbing piece of shit.” I say, “Don’t you know who the fuck I am?! Me and my cousin are going to run this city one day, and then I’ll grab any ass I want! It’s the AMERICAN DREAM!”
Come, cousin, let us take our stolen vehicle to the bar so we can tie one on before we drive to our next armed robbery. America! What a bitch of a country, am I right? My wife is leaving me. Oh fuck, I love this song! Turn it up, cousin!
ELABORATE MOTORCYCLE CHASE
I know what we can do next, Niko. Why don’t we ditch this SUV for a motorcycle and see if we can’t get dozens of cops up our asses, huh? What do you say? For old time’s sake, you son of a bitch! You will never catch me, Roman, cousin of Niko Bellic!
Fine! If you’re too fucking scared to get into a police chase maybe we go get milkeshakes or something, huh? What do you say? You better bring your wallet though, I left mine, uh, at home. America, she is one expensive whore!
I love you, cousin. Please call me sometime this summer. I am so lonely here in America, despite all of the American tits and asses I have seen!