MILWAUKEE, Wis. — A millennial fan of the hit RPG Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 is eagerly anticipating the upcoming date when she will dissolve into ash and rose petals and utterly cease to exist, sources confirm.
“It’s only a few more months, now,” said Danielle Preston, 32, as she smiled at her calendar. “All these years of toil and strain will burn away and be forgotten. I’m exhausted from seeing things how they are, rather than how I want them to be. I know where my life is going. There’s no secret, happy ending to unlock. It’s all so bleak. If there’s an afterlife, then I’ll see everyone after death. But honestly, I hope there’s not. I’d probably just annoy everybody.”
Preston’s mother, Sandra, said she was concerned by her daughter’s new obsession, but not surprised.
“She’s always been like this,” said the elder Preston as she flipped through a photo album. “When she was very young, she was sure the Power Rangers were going to ask her to join them. Then she spent her adolescence waiting on her letter from Hogwarts. I try not to think about the years she was certain that a vampire and werewolf were going to fight for her affection, but at least that was still on the optimistic side. I can’t imagine why she’s so eager to die, now.”
Aiden Renaud, an expert on the media that millennials have consumed throughout their lives, said that Preston’s experience is shockingly common.
“This is a generation that cannot separate itself from its favorite fiction,” said Renaud, who said the FunkoPop figures adorning his office were purely for research purposes. “They believe they are Jedi. They think Professor Oak is going to give them a Pokemon. They swear that Steven Universe is their friend. Combine that with the dearth of economic opportunity this generation is facing, and it’s no surprise that a property like Clair Obscur would create a pseudo-death cult. In fact, I’d say it was an inevitability.”
At press time, Preston was spending what she believed were her final days on earth collecting rare swimwear.
