Do you ever feel like the game of life is moving by way too quickly? Did you plow through most of the game and now they’re letting you know this is your last chance to upgrade your weapons and armor before the final battle? Or are you just starting out and looking to jack your stats by performing pointless menial tasks while the kingdom falls to ruin. Regardless of your reason, here are 30 real life side quests to avoid advancing your main storyline.
Feed the Squirrels
While in the park instead of feeling superior to the squirrels you can feed them! After several weeks of repeated feeding you can max out your squirrel bonding. Congrats! You know have a plump rodent army eager to do your bidding.
Spare a Dollar
The Stranger on the corner asks you for a dollar. If you give him one he will ask for another. This repeats until you’ve given the stranger 247 billion USD. He will then start a space program and ruin twitter.
Why Not Take a Break
Why not take a break? You can pause the game by pressing plus, or just head to the breakroom and play on your phone for a few minutes. Robbie says we’re supposed to punch out and punch back in if it’s longer than 20 minutes but he vapes a lot so he doesn’t really have time to enforce that.
Write for Hard Drive
Use your gift of higher intelligence for the most noble of purposes, entertaining people on the internet. If done correctly, the editors may smile upon thee.
Draw
A steep learning curve, but if you max out the stat people on the internet will pay you big bucks for unspeakable things.
Poetry
Dig through the deepest parts of your soul until you’ve discovered four profound insights on the human condition. Then plug them into a little rhyme scheme and bam, you’re the voice of generation. Those who don’t praise you, will fear you.
Test Your Free Will
Paint your nails, cut your hair, order a different sandwich at Subway. Run out into the middle of a woodland glade and twirl gleefully as you feel the first chill of fall creeping over the mountains. Do whatever you want because we told you to.
Gamble
In a world where money can buy happiness, why not play fun little games with it? Turn your hard earned dollars into nifty little trinkets and slowly give them away to a massive corporation. You might win something, but what you’ve lost was even greater.
Play Portal
Both one and two. They’re really good games guys. There’s a robot and she’s like sassy, you’ll see what we mean.
Do Your Laundry
This minigame is a classic within the household chores DLC. At first it’s a simple matching and sorting game into whites and colors. But upon completion, players unlock a second phase where the sorted clothes must enter a series of machines. After waiting the allotted time (or skipping the wait with 100 Laundry Gems) the laundry is done and the game resets for the rest of your life.
Get a Pet
If playing the game of life by yourself hasn’t been working out and the idea of getting affection from another person sounds appalling, try buying a pet. Dog, cat, fish, whatever—it doesn’t matter. This is really more about you than it is them.
Get a Real Job
It’s easy! Just walk into the head office, look the boss in the eye and hand them your resume ON PAPER! They’ll be so impressed they’ll have no choice but to hire you.
Go Visit Your Local Library
We got rid of that one guy, so you shouldn’t have anything to worry about anymore.
Buy Bitcoin
It’s about time you go and see what all the fuss is about.
Call Your Mom
You’ll never believe what Lynn next door started doing in her front yard. I really think I’m going to say something this time! She’s lowering the property values!
Find My Purse!
Spider-Man, wait! Before you go, I lost my purse on one of the rooftops around here.
On a different rooftop?
Yes.
Different from this one?
Yes.
Are you serious? What? Are you taking some kind of tour of city rooftops?
Yes.
Okay, whatever, I’ll find your purse for you.
Fishing
Experience all the beauty and majesty that nature has to offer by getting trashed in a canoe. After a few hours you can watch the life drain from a living creature’s eyes.
Read Classic Literature
See! Every emotion you’ve ever felt has already been expressed by someone else more eloquently than you ever could. Bonus points for every dystopian novel that’s inching dangerously closer to our reality.
Love
Finding the person you know you could spend the rest of your life with is one of the most enriching minigames life has to offer! Or you could try and find a really good sandwich, whatever feels right.
Thrifting
Scavenging through the garbage and broken dreams of strangers can provide lots of cheap and unique customization options. For more advanced gameplay, buy broken electronics and genuinely believe you can fix them.
Video Games
Get good enough that it’s no longer fun to play against your friends, but not so good that you can play in competitions.
Work Out
Push your body to its physical limits. Repeat this process several times a week for the rest of your life. We can’t guarantee you’ll feel better about yourself, but you can at least make others feel worse.
Pyramid Scheme
Recruit as many of your friends as possible to get in on the ground floor of this thriving business. Your friendship will only be deepened by the experience.
Get Bangs
Head to your local salon with tears in your eyes and they’ll know what to do. This is guaranteed to not advance your story line at all.
Ride the Bus
If you wait at one of these secret locations a vehicle will come and take you anywhere you want to go along a pre-designated route. Unfortunately this fast travel option is not available in most U.S. cities.
Get Really Into IPAs
It’s not just a beverage, it’s a lifestyle. After consuming your bodyweight in India Pale Ales, your hops-widened consciousness can experience every perception the universe has to offer. Your friends will think you’re a douche though.
Avoid Going to the Doctor
Living with your sickness instead of treating it can make for fun and challenging gameplay. More than one of every four U.S. adults were already playing this mode in 2023 according to the CDC.
Garden
Experience the miracle of life without all downsides of consciousness. Put some of the tomatoes you grew onto a frozen pizza. Keep telling yourself that you really do like it.
Art School
If you’re unsure of what you want to do in life but want several thousand dollars of debt anyway, art school is a great option. Just follow your heart and the money will come…usually from your parents.
Pick Up Litter
Equip your trash bag, gloves, and grabber, and have fun! After you’ve collected 100 pieces of litter, you can rifle through your bag and look for any items with identifying information. Once you’ve determined whose litter you’ve collected you can return it into their living room!
