NEW YORK — A routine noise complaint in a Brooklyn apartment turned tragic Thursday night, leaving three dead and one hospitalized as authorities and neighbors search for answers.
NYPD Captain Toad provided details in a press conference the following day:
“We dispatched to the residence after operators received several distressed calls regarding elevated noise and possible domestic disturbance. Unfortunately, responders were unable to de-escalate the situation after learning a substantial quantity of gold coins may be on the premises. We are currently investigating the whereabouts of the stolen property.”
Police have withheld the identities of everyone involved, but captioned body cam footage released by the department shows four individuals in a heated argument before engaging in a violent melee.
“LEMME READ THE TUTORIAL IN PEACE OR I’MA GONNA DROWN YOUR RICH ***** GIRLFRIEND IN A PIPE FULL OF KOOPA ****, YOU FAT ****!” shouted one suspect who was then bludgeoned with large dice by a similarly-dressed character replying, “LETSA GO, IT’S TWO ****ING BUTTONS, *****. MAMA MIA WOULDA SMOTHERED YOU IN THE CRIB IF SHE KNEW YOU DUMB*** WAS GONNA STEAL FROMA YOU BROTHER!”
Neighbors expressed shock and remorse in interviews conducted by local news networks.
“They invited us to their jamboree but we declined, we’ve been to parties there before and they get rowdy — but never anything like this. We called the cops hoping they’d just break it up early. At worst we expected they might kill Bow-Wow… but shooting everyone? It’s a tragedy. I’m really going to miss Mario, he was handy to have around and a great doubles partner.”
At press time, coroner toxicology reports suggest extreme levels of psilocybin as a possible aggravating factor at the gathering.
