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20 Completely Useless Things You Could Buy for the Cost of All the Dragon’s Dogma 2 Microtransactions

To buy the complete set of microtransactions for Dragon’s Dogma 2 you will have to spend $41.79 of your hard earned dollars. Since you can unlock all of these in the game anyway, why not consider 20 different completely useless things to confuse your loved ones with when you die?

Let’s see what we can buy with the money instead.

A Bunch of 62 Overripe Bananas

At 67 cents each, you could bulk buy 62 bananas and give yourself a potassium overdose whilst trying to justify the purchase. Once eaten, you will have a once in a lifetime opportunity to terrorize a go kart track with the skins.

5 Blue Ticks For A Month

For 31 days you will be the king of the forever sinking ship that is X, with 5 different accounts able to spam MICROTRANSACTIONS IN BIO in the replies of your favorite tweets. Until Elon inevitably changes how it all works again.

Approximately £33.08

Nobody is quite sure what is happening in Britain, least of all the people who live there. If you exchanged your dollars for pounds the value would probably crash due to a scandal involving Earl Crumpet or something. The money you receive probably doesn’t even have the right monarch’s face on it. But this is how much you’d get.

A Dune 2 Popcorn Bucket (Used)

Thanks a lot, internet, your constant jokes that the Dune 2 popcorn bucket looks like a sex toy meant that loads of cinemas sold out of them. Now they are only available second hand at an extortionate rate, so using the plastic Shai-Hulud mouth as a fleshlight comes with even more health risks than usual.

2 Custom Name ‘Sophronia’ Baby Blankets

Apparently Sophronia is one of the rarest baby names in America, with less than 5 girls being born into that name in 2022. Why not hedge your bets on meeting 2 of them and giving them a blanket each?

Horse Armour on 16 Copies of Oblivion

Remember the original single player DLC fiasco? We do. The least those virtual long-dicked pricks could do would be to look grateful for their gold armor plating, but no, the landscape of gaming was made worse forever in order to give them protection from mudcrabs and they can’t even crack a smile.

“Mamas For DeSantis” T Shirt and Ron Desantis Golf Balls

Treat your Mom to a shirt commemorating the best presidential campaign we never had, and wow your Dad with two whole golf balls. With no money left over for mailing costs, this is an absolute steal!

Almost 2 Ouyas

Have you ever wanted to own a gray box that was at best a once-fun idea but now has no official servers or even a company attached to it? If you really put your mind to it you can get it connected in some sort of capacity, so knock yourself out if you really really want to play Amazing Frog the way it’s meant to be played.


A Maximum Of 4179 Wishes

Convert your dollars into pennies and head down to your local wishing well to bombard it with 4179 pieces of zinc! Use them wisely to wish for this cycle of video game discourse to never come up again.

8 Copies Of A 2020 Cat Calendar

Relive everyone’s favorite year over and over again! Remember the day everyone had to stay inside? It’s okay, these cats exist in a permanently frozen point in time where the generation-defining traumas are as unknown a concept to them as a day without pettings and cuddles!

36 Live Oysters

You don’t need 36 live oysters. You don’t have the capability to eat 36 live oysters. You don’t have the capacity to keep 36 live oysters refrigerated. Your mother was wrong – you are not capable of doing anything you put your mind to, because you are not capable of handling 36 live oysters. Stop thinking about the oysters.

3 Used Copies of Oysters: Recipes That Bring Home A Taste Of The Sea

What did I just tell you?

4 Copies of Dragon’s Dogma on PS3

If you were planning to buy every single microtransaction in Dragon’s Dogma 2, it is a reasonable assumption that you have played the original. But should you have 4 friends who want in on the action, why not give them a copy each? If you buy it new, you get to play the demo of the highly-anticipated Resident Evil 6 too!


Approximately £31.95

Ah, I did warn you, the value of the pound dropped again while you were reading this article, but in fairness nobody expected Earl Crumpet to be a notorious international animal kidnapper.

Vivek 2024 “Protect The Homeland First” Long Sleeve T-Shirt

The campaign shop of Vivek Ramaswamy’s 2024 election bid is a fascinating and disturbing place, and should be used as a historic document for ‘the first Republican primary where the candidates had access to ChatGPT’. Buy this shirt to let everyone know you are either someone with interesting political priorities or someone who goes down rabbit holes when researching satirical articles.

10% Of A Bored Ape

Turns out it is very difficult to just find ‘a website that sells those NFT Apes’ online, as any page just looks like a crappy Dark Web for babies. However, I think that $41.76 would buy you a tenth of a Bored Ape, which is even more useless than it was back when it was useless 2 years ago

4 ‘Worlds Greatest Dad’ Mugs

Buying 4 of these would either make it seem like you are overdoing it for one dad, or being incredibly disingenuous to four dads.

Approximately £41.76

It turns out that Earl Crumpet had captured the last remaining Northern Sportive Lemurs in the world and sold them back for billions, completely turning the UK’s economy around as well as your financial prospects. Well done Crumpet, I hope your prison cell is comfy.

Gifting The Complete Set of Dragon’s Dogma 2 Microtransaction To Someone On Reddit

They would probably try and kill you.

8 Lots Of The Hard Drive Patreon

Please. It’s only $5 a month for the lowest tier, and what would make for a better gift for your extended family then being able to support the kind of content that 100 years ago would have led to its writers being institutionalised.

We\'re giving away 50 Hard Drive t-shirts and other merch items to Patrons this week.
Become a patron at Patreon!