So I don’t know much about this hacker or his organization, Lapsus$, really none of us do. This fella though has been identified as Arion Kurtaj, an 18-year-old autistic man responsible for the Grand Theft Auto 6 Hack (as well as a few other big ones). It also has been reported that he was violent with police, which just makes him sound even cooler.
What I do know is that Rockstar Games thinks they’re getting away with their own crime, slandering the great state of Florida. GTA 6 Takes place in the fictional state of Leonida, but really it’s just an exaggerated version of the sunshine state. As a Floridian myself I don’t appreciate this attack on my homeland, portraying us all as meth head criminals walking our alligators to the corner store. I keep my alligator in the bathtub and only walk him at night like a responsible person.
However not all Floridians are like me and frankly I feel many should be sentenced to life in prison. Here are just 15 of those people, none of whom have what it takes to take down major releases with just an Amazon fire stick.
15. Carrot Top
I mean this one is really a no brainer. Prop comedy? Not a great way to represent the state that holds the record for most golf courses in the country. I bet you didn’t know that, but you probably did know that Carrot Top is insufferable.
14. Antonio Brown
This one is personal as a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan. We would have won two Super Bowls in a row if this guy hadn’t just left halfway through a game. Although to be fair it is really the ultimate Floridian move to quit in the middle of your job while taking off half your clothes and making a scene.
13. Jim From Edward Scissorhands
While it isn’t explicitly stated in the film, Edward Scissorhands was filmed on location in Lutz as well as Lakeland, Florida. So I think that’s reason enough to include this total jerkface. How dare he bully and take advantage of sweet sweet Edward, and push around Kim the way he does. This guy has absolutely no redeeming qualities, so he’d probably make a pretty decent early antagonist in GTA 6.
12. Sarah Paulson
I actually really like Sarah Paulson, I think she’s great. Unfortunately someone has to pay the price for American Horror Story: Cult, my hands are tied.
11. Fred Durst
I don’t expect much pushback, let’s be honest Fred Durst has probably done the crime it’s only right that he now does the time. Of course his whole ‘break stuff’ vibe is what everyone thinks Florida is all about, but there’s so much more to our beautiful state. Did you know that Florida is home to 760 unique species of wildlife not found anywhere else on earth? I bet not, all you care about is your chocolate covered starfish.
10. Alien From Spring Breakers
This guy’s an absolute menace, honestly just the fact that he’s played by James Franco is bad enough. You think spring break is just a time for you ungrateful college kids to come down here and abuse our beaches and torment the elderly? It’s often the time when sea turtles come onto our gorgeous beaches to lay their eggs. Maybe instead of chugging Fireball and doing ecstasy you stop and think about how you can make room for the turtles.
9. Pharrell Willians
Pharrell giveth and Pharrell taketh, for every Drop it Like its Hot and Get Lucky, he gives us Blurred Lines and Happy. I’m not playing this game anymore, not when we have T-Pain out there never missing.
8. Stuff the Magic Dragon
How did we let this happen? This is a dragon? A mascot?! No. This is an abomination. If I saw this guy coming at me down the street I would turn and run into a swamp to get away. Like most Floridians I was actually hatched from an egg underwater so I’d be able to dive in and swim away from this absolute monstrosity.
7. Carole Baskin
Okay she may not have been born here but she’s been here long enough to do plenty of damage to our image. After Tiger King, all of my friends from out of state wanted to ask me, was “Do you know that lady?” “Have you been to Big Cat Rescue” “How many tigers do you own personally, Brendan?” To answer all of those questions, no I don’t know her, I haven’t been to Big Cat Rescue and I only have two tigers. My apartment is too small to have anymore, especially with the gator in the bathroom.
6. Skunk Ape
For those unaware, the Skunk Ape is sort of our smelly version of a sasquatch. While there have been many sightings the creature is still at large. While normally I am one to advocate for wildlife to be left alone, for its own safety the Skunk Ape should probably be locked up. With all the crazies, like Fred Durst, running around I worry some harm could come to this creature if it was to be found in the wrong person’s backyard.
5. My Upstairs Neighbors
These people are unbelievably loud, I don’t know how it’s possible. It’s all hours of the day too, it could be 3 am and I’ll hear things dropping on the floor up there, and I mean heavy things I don’t understand. Sometimes children will be giggling and running around up there, but like it’s gotta be like 8 kids or something. We’re talking about a 1 bedroom apartment that must house like 10 people. These rent prices have gotten out of hand.
4. King Kong at Universal Studios
We’re talking about a giant animatronic ape. Once again I know I’m targeting something that’s partially wildlife but it’s also a robot. Don’t let its banana breath fool you, this thing is a killing machine. The only robots I trust at Universal Studios are E.T. and his friend Botanicus. Those are friendly robots, E.T. says my name every time I see him, King Kong just stares at me with pure malice in his eyes.
3. My Cats
These guys are absolute jerks, they cannot be trusted and they’re bastards. I don’t mean that as an insult, I mean that literally. They’re always chewing through my phone chargers and pooping in my home. It’s straight up disrespectful and they have no remorse. Also Laszlo, the black one, hates balloons. How can you hate something so joyful as a balloon?
2. The Hooters Owl
This pervy owl has got to be stopped. How did we as a society let Hooters get away with having a mascot whose eyes are just boobs? They serve chicken wings, not owl wings. This logo implies that they are literally serving human breasts, of course figuratively they’ve been doing that for years. Listen I’m not here to judge Hooters as an organization alright? Just this horny filthy owl who belongs in prison forever.
1. Ron DeSantis
His face. His shoes. His creepy little smile. The little meatball man thought he could be president but he will never escape the swamp. I actually went to the same highschool as this chump, and frankly it’s my least favorite thing about me, and there’s plenty of other things to choose from (trust me, I’d be #16 on this list). Look, I could get into the bigotry and absolute incompetency of this little boy governor but it wouldn’t be worth my time or yours. Besides if I say anymore he’ll probably waste more tax payer dollars suing me. Suffice to say the only thing sweeter than feeding this man to my alligator would be to see him rot in jail for eternity while I reluctantly play GTA 6. I mean it looks really good right?
