Taylor Swift is inescapable. Best selling albums, a billion-dollar concert tour, Hollywood movies, sporting events, and the talk of your younger cousin every time you have a family gathering. However, what about the millions to be made in the increasingly diminishing returns of the video game industry? They need the magic touch too! As destined as she is to appear in the next Grand Theft Auto game, we’re limiting it to just games where music is involved.
Dance Dance Revolution
Fans of Tay will know that her music fits right in with smile.dk and other Y2K-era EDM classics. Wait, what do you mean most of her catalog is songs for people to lie in bed and long for an unrequited love? Well, they can probably put “Shake It Off” in there or something. The arrows on this genre-defining classic will serve as great help for the millions of swifties who can’t dance without visual instruction.
Taiko no Tatsujin
Music critics have been saying for years that the one thing that modern music has been missing was ancient drums. Imagine hearing “Cruel Summer” but every single beat has a loud drum solo over every other instrument. It’d be a new age for country music, if the country you’re referring to is Japan. If they went for this crossover, Taiko could finally make a western audience with people who aren’t into anime openings and have no clue what a Touhou is.
PaRappa the Rapper
Taylor will teach PaRappa that all he has to do is believe, and also that recording the same thing again will make a lot of cash. If PaRappa is saying all of Taylor’s lyrics back to her, does that mean Parappa is now a hurtful ex-boyfriend? Is that inconsiderate? At worst, it’ll still be a better rap verse than Kendrick Lamar’s on “Bad Blood.”
The Beatles: Rock Band
She’s bigger than them. Next game.
Fortnite
The rumored rhythm mode for Fortnite hasn’t been revealed yet, but if I find a way to put the terms ‘Taylor Swift’ and ‘Fortnite’ in the same sentence, I get a bonus. Still, it’s sure to be a winner from Harmonix, the Jack Antonoff of rhythm games. To maximize profits, she could have her own skin, complete with an acoustic guitar pickaxe. You’ll be the reason for their teardrops! I’ll take the doxxing now.
Rocksmith+
Who needs to shred when you can serve? Learning to play guitar would be a great time sink for fans when Taylor hasn’t posted a tweet to analyze like she’s the Unabomber. They could even follow along with the lyrics if they’re fake fans who don’t have every song down word for word! Charge extra for each song and it’ll make more than the subscription itself does.
Friday Night Funkin’
Boyfriend could use the power of funk to diss his way through all of her evil ex-boyfriends. With a soundtrack reminiscent of Anamanaguchi, she’d be a perfect fit that would make the game sell like hotcakes. That’s why Friday Night Funkin’ absolutely needs to include Ramona Flowers. As for Taylor Swift, she probably visited Newgrounds once or twice back in the day, so she should be in.
Mother 3
Don’t look at me like that — Mother 3 is a rhythm game. You have to time the attacks just right to get the best combos on your opponent. Taylor is just like Lucas because, uh, they both have blonde hair, or something! Look, the interference of the biggest pop star on the planet is the only thing that’ll get this damn game localized. You can even call it Earthbound (Taylor’s Version) if you have to.
Hatsune Miku: Project DIVA
Taylor’s only going to share the spotlight with the one musician who has as much stage presence as she does. She may be an astute businesswoman, but she isn’t selling out concerts without even being physically present like CV1 does. Maybe meeting a virtual Swift can convince Miku to start buying her masters? DIVA makes its money with the sheer amount of costumes the Vocaloid singers have, so a costume for each and every one of her eras would do the trick.
Trombone Champ
Ever wanted all of Taylor’s songs to sound like complete dog doo doo? Ruin them with your own terrible trombone skills! Collecting cards could be just as familiar to Swifties as going out to the store and buying four different versions of Midnights. Obviously the game specializing in public domain songs is to save money to pay for Anti-Hero.
Rhythm Heaven
Implying that a new Rhythm Heaven is ever going to happen is grounds for a barrage of clown emojis, but it’s worth mentioning. The series has many parallels to Taylor’s life, as her secret hobbies include karate, golfing and playing badminton in the sky. At least we assume that’s what all the private jet emissions are for. The minigames could even be a bonding activity, reminding her of the time Travis Kelce probably kicked a football on their first date. Truly a combination that will make all of her fans say a great big “I suppose.”
osu!
It may be a free-to-play game with zero monetization whatsoever, but they’d still find some way to profit off of it. What can be more appealing to stans than a game which is so hard to master that most experts haven’t seen the sun in years? The overcharting on “All Too Well (10 Minute Version)” would be enough to make even the most hardcore player’s hand cry. More casual gamers could just sit back and collect fruit to “Blank Space.” There could even be overbearing visuals behind the gameplay in a mere act of spite!
Just Dance
Just Dance is perhaps the biggest modern rhythm game, and i– Oh, they already put her songs in. “Love Story” and “You Belong With Me,” huh. You can boot up the latest game right now and play those songs if you really want to. I guess someone had to actually take our advice and go to Taylor for easy money. I was really hoping it would be PaRappa.
