EDEN, Utah — Everybody inhabiting the log cabin in the character select screen of 1998 classic “1080° Snowboarding” found themselves hoping that you don’t pick them, sources report.
“I just got in from a long day out on the slopes, and all I want to do is relax,” character Dion Blaster told reporters. “I’m going to play pool while not looking at the camera and hope you somehow take the hint and go on your way. I mean, just look at all of us. You haven’t noticed that we’re all pointedly avoiding eye contact with you? Kensuke was absolutely freezing when he got in a few minutes ago, and he clearly wants to unwind by the fire. We love this cabin and just want to relax. Get a clue, man. Please just go away and play something else.”
You clearly didn’t take the hint despite the overt body language displayed by the characters.
“Hmm, Dion’s technique is a little low, but look at that max speed stat,” you said while staring dead-eyed at your television screen. “The CPU has a habit of catching up pretty rapidly on these courses, so I think I’m going to go with him over Kensuke Kimachi. I love how this game puts all the characters in this beautiful log cabin. It really enhances the setting and gives you the feeling that they’re all enthusiastic about getting back out on the mountain.”
Video game psychologist Jiemba Foster provided her expertise on the situation.
“We tend to view characters as empty vessels that are only there to serve us, but think about it,” Foster mentioned. “Do you really think your Black Ops 6 character is excited to get shot at while infiltrating Saddam’s palace, or your Madden create-a-player is chomping at the bit to get repeatedly concussed on the field? It would certainly behoove us as players, and as human beings, to try considering the feelings of the characters we’re controlling every once in a while.”
At press time, Blaster was hoping that you at least don’t decide to launch him off that cliff in Dragon Cave after choosing him.
