MADISON, Wis. — Insisting upon the rules of his arbitrary video game ranking system, local gamer Calvin Hedges declared The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom to be a perfect 10/10 game, though not nearly as good as Red Dead Redemption 2, a game he reportedly gave the exact same score.
“Tears of the Kingdom is an utterly flawless game and I’m fully convinced Nintendo had a direct line of communication with God while making it,” remarked Hedges. “But it must’ve been a shittier god, like that one who ate his son or whatever. The point is, when you compare it to other games that are equally as brilliant, it’s worse.”
Popular video game reviewer Claire Bernard maintained that the standard “out of 10” scale is the best ranking system.
“Our rating scale is meticulously designed so that the coveted ‘perfect 10’ exclusively goes to the very best of the best,” said Bernard. “Tears of the Kingdom exemplifies everything it means for a game to be a 10, and there’s not a single thing that Nintendo could have done better. It’s undoubtedly the pinnacle of gaming — it just so happens that sometimes the pinnacle of gaming gets its face shat on by another game.”
Tears of the Kingdom director Hidemaro Fujibayashi was unsure how to feel by the reception.
“Thanks, and also not thanks? Am I the only one who knows how numbers work?” said Fujibayashi. “You can’t just tell me 10 is less than 10! It’s the same number, dammit! I’d rather receive a 2/10 because at least that would make fucking sense!”
At press time, in order to prevent confusion, reviewers decided to simply rereview both games, giving Red Dead Redemption 2 five gold stars and The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom and A+.
