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“You Kids Are So Reliant on Technology” Says Grandma With Pacemaker

ST. LOUIS — Local grandmother Gertrude Wallace recently scolded her grandchildren for their apparent reliance on technology, despite needing the most expensive gadget in the house to keep her heart beating at all times, sources confirmed. 

“What a hypocrite,” said Ray Wallace, after his grandmother asked him to quit using his iPad at the dinner table. “Okay, if we’re not doing devices I guess you’ll go first, right Granny? Oh, and what about Dad? I guess he doesn’t have to take his ankle bracelet off, huh? This family is so full of hypocrites. As soon as Dad doesn’t need me to drive him to work anymore, I am so out of here!” 

Despite Ray’s arguments, Gertrude insisted the comparison wasn’t fair. 

“This is hardly some fun piece of technology,” she said, of the pacemaker that was installed several years ago to address her slow heartbeat. “Nor is it particularly new. I quite literally need it to live, and my grandson just compared it to his Angry Birds game. I’m not advocating for anybody to go without whatever technological devices might assist their health, I’m just asking to not be alone with my thoughts at the dinner table for Pete’s sake!”

The argument was merely the latest in a series of similar fights that have alienated other family members. 

“I find it best to stay out of their arguments, since they both raise some pretty good points about the nature of technology in the modern age,” said Buck Wallace, Gertrude’s son, while drinking beers in the garage. “She’s right when she says that today’s kids are largely being raised by unmonitored screen time and that there is no way that is good for them on any level, but also, he has her ass over a barrel with that pace maker thing. Is it so different? I don’t know. Maybe not.” 

As of press time, Gertrude the hypocrite was using her tablet to call her friend and complain about kids today.