VANCOUVER — Local worker Joshua Stewart expressed profound relief after his company announced a new hybrid work schedule, allowing him to actually go to the bathroom on Tuesdays, Thursdays and weekends.
“Working a hybrid schedule means I won’t have to be on site all week, which also means a lower chance of getting another bladder infection or appendicitis from ignoring my basic human functions because of their unrealistic workload,” said a relaxed Stewart from inside the comfort of his home bathroom. “They tell us we’re free to go as often as we want, but everyone knows they monitor the fuck out of everything, so we’re usually too scared to leave our posts and sometimes end up relieving ourselves in a soda can or worse. I know it sounds like prison but it’s not that bad, they gave us a ten cent raise for one month during the peak of the pandemic so we’re pretty lucky, as they keep reminding us.”
Stewart’s manager Sandro Santis was happy his employees were enjoying the hybrid work schedule but cautioned against getting too comfortable.
“We’re proud to offer some staff the ability to work remotely for work-life balance or whatever,” said Santis between checking his watch each time an employee exited the bathroom. “But if any staff are suspected of abusing the privilege of going to the toilet while on our time, there will be consequences. I’m not saying we have moles inside the water department who can pinpoint with extreme accuracy how often our employees flush their toilets, but I’m not not saying that either. For legal reasons.”
HR expert Maya Rivers praised Stewart’s new hybrid schedule and offered advice on how other workers could ask for similar arrangements themselves.
“This hybrid work schedule gives Mr. Stewart a much better quality of life — going to the bathroom whenever he wants on two different weekdays, and the weekend? I’d love to see more American workers get those kinds of cushy perks,” explained Rivers. “My advice is to have constructive dialogue with your boss expressing any concerns you may have about the work environment. And in the meantime, you can always relieve yourself in other locations, such as the hood of their Audi.”
At press time, Stewart was in the bathroom washing up when a suspicious drone flew up to his window, snapped a few pictures, then disappeared.