SAN FRANCISCO — A shocking leaked financial report from social media site Twitter revealed that CEO Elon Musk keeps the infamous sink from a Twitter joke on retainer with a six-figure salary.
“What if I need it again? What if I have another sink joke?” Musk said. “I can’t just buy another sink, this one has been with me from the beginning. It’s my most trusted employee, my confidant. I feel like I can tell it anything, and it’ll always sink in. Get it? I’m very very funny. Just ask the sink, it certainly thinks so. Or should I say, sinks so! See, this all makes the sink’s full insurance benefits and company stock portfolio completely worth it.”
“People can betray you; that’s why they need to go,” Musk explained. “But the sink can never cross you. The sink can never divorce you. The sink can never sue you for sexual harassment. The sink is cleansing, with its water. The sink is epic. And the sink makes me a based memelord. Let that sink in! Haha.”
Twitter employees had mixed feelings about the sink’s high-ranking status at the company.
“In the first week of buyout, Elon made a kitchen installation my boss. I’ve been here for seven years,” said software engineer Nicholas Meyers. “He gutted my whole team without warning, and then walked around with a sink for a few hours and kept making sink related puns. I’m not really complaining though — the sink is a much more level-headed manager than the CEO. Plus, the sink hasn’t hit on any of the female employees nearly as much.”
Musk elaborated on his appreciation for the kitchen appliance.
“The sink has shown great loyalty and leadership thus far, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a contender for CEO in the future,” Musk said. “The sink never says anything bad about me, and is always there when I need it. I’m not sure how Twitter ever ran without it, frankly. People think I carry it, but really, it carries me.”
At press time, sources at Twitter reported that the sink had been abruptly fired by Musk after attempting to work from home one week.
