SAN FRANCISCO — Twitter CEO Elon Musk announced a change to Twitter’s operating hours for the summertime earlier today, which will see the platform opening a little later each day and closing at dusk.
“Due to some unforeseen scraping issues, we’re taking our advertising-and-subscription-based platform down for 12 hours a day starting tomorrow,” said Musk, in a Tweet that he also liked. “Believe me when I say that this is a logical business decision that was not influenced at all by any unpaid bills. Not at all. We’re really just trying to entice people to become Twitter Blue subscribers. This summer, paid users will be able to access Twitter a half hour before we open every day as well as tweet the n-word as much as they want without consequence.”
“Just kidding about that last part,” he added “No one faces consequences for that.”
Users were frustrated but understood the need for summer hours.
“At first I didn’t get it,” said Curtis Locke, a local Twitter user that was surprised to find the website inaccessible at 11 p.m. “But then I remembered the restaurant I worked at as a teenager. It’s kind of like that. It would get slower during the summer, so they’d cut back the hours. Then a new manager took over and somehow lit his dick on fire by accident and when he ran out into the restaurant lobby screaming ‘My dick is on fire! Help, help, my dick burns!’ no one really knew what to do or how to help him so everyone just stood there watching and videotaping this guy with the flaming dick as he cried. It’s kind of like that.”
“Then he started punching himself in the dick to get the fire to go out and we all just lost it,” he continued. “Except there were these three weirdos who kept talking about what a savvy way that is to put out the fire. I always thought that part was pretty strange. They saw a man on fire punching himself in the dick and thought he was the smartest guy in the room.”
Twitter’s controversial new summer hours will go into effect immediately. When asked about how the unpopular changes might affect relations with Twitter’s Saudi financiers that famously got away with murdering an American journalist, Musk replied, “looking into it.”
