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Steam Deck Update Will Now Provide Notification That System Has Become Scalding Hot to the Touch

BELLEVUE, Wash. — A recent software update to Valve’s handheld Steam Deck includes a notification that the gaming system has grown dangerously hot and that you should stop touching it as soon as possible.

“Oh thank god, this is actually really helpful,” said Grant Tillman, a gamer that was among the first to receive their Steam Deck after pre-ordering it last year. “I’ve been playing so much on this game, it’s really great. New stuff, emulators, everything in between, just a blast. The only thing is, when it gets going it gets a little loud and very hot. Thankfully this new update will tell me when to put the system down, lest I scorch my skin on the bastard.” 

“No more trips to the burn ward after a long night of Rocket League!” he added. 

Valve employees said they worked as hard as they could to remedy the lack of a notification that alerts the user to the high temperature of the computer in their hands. 

“An oversight, we absolutely blew it on this one,” said Drew Ragan, a representative from Valve. “Look, we’re learning as we go on this, and hindsight is 20/20. We really should have anticipated that these things turning into little fireballs is going to be worth mentioning to the player. Otherwise, they’ll just sit there and melt their fucking hands. The absolute sickos.” 

Critics of Valve said that the notification is too little, too late. 

“Oh, NOW they add a notification that my system has grown hot to the touch,” said Eric Liles,” one of many gamers to sustain serious burns from the device. “I finally got my Steam Deck a few weeks back and Elden Ring ran so well that thing they’re saying I may never game again. Third degree burns on my palms. I’m just like Jesus Christ, only my sacrifice seems like it may be greater. I wonder if my Kinect is still in the basement.” 

As of press time, Valve has said they’re working on an update that will provide a notification when you have spilled something on your Steam Deck. 

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