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Refurbished Joy Con Won’t Stop Talking About Its Trip to San Francisco

AKRON, Ohio — A joy con that was recently mailed back from San Francisco after having some drift issues repaired by Nintendo reportedly won’t stop bringing up its recent trip at every opportunity, annoyed sources have confirmed. 

“I’m really glad to have my Joy Con back, don’t get me wrong,” said Gary Bright. “It was getting damn near impossible to play anything with drifting as bad as it was. So it’s not that I’m ungrateful, it’s just that it keeps mentioning the trip, or pointing out little things that are different in San Francisco. It’s so unnecessary and self centered. You’re back in Akron now dude, I don’t know what to tell you.”

The incidents have been recurring and happening with more and more regularity, causing tension in the quarantined house to escalate. 

“Yeah, it’s super fucking annoying,” said Mitch Goosebeck, one of Bright’s roomates. “We were playing R.B.I. Baseball 20 and suddenly Gary’s controller started talking about the real Oracle Park and how the outfield bleachers were all wrong. Like, okay, even if that is true, we’re trying to play a game here!” 

In addition to providing trivia and anecdotes about its recent work trip, the controller has also allegedly developed a pretentious disposition when talking to others its recent experience. Employees at Nintendo have warned that this may be an unintended side effect with any repairs made at their San Francisco offices. 

“San Francisco is one of our most beautiful and interesting cities,” said Angela Cook, a representative for Nintendo of America. “So yeah, in addition to having a fully repaired and recalibrated analog controller, sometimes these controllers will come back with funny stories about the BART or interesting tidbits about Alcatraz, all the while insisting that you would have to visit ‘Frisco,’ yourself to truly get it.”

Nintendo executives also urged any customers who believe their Joy Con may have been infused with the soul of a human to please contact them about further refurbishment.

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