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Redditor Spends Entire Day Drafting Angry Comment

MADISON, Wis. – After the twelfth hour of typing, deleting, and restarting, local travel agent and avid Redditor Alan Townsend, 33, decided his angry Reddit comment had finally met his self-imposed standards of wit and eloquence.

“I really don’t have all the time in the world,” said Townsend, having not seen the sun today. “Which is why I had to put in extra work at making sure my tone, grammar, and overall argument were completely airtight. It was a difficult process, and I had to skip all three meals today, but I’ll rest easy tonight knowing I created something that makes me look very smart on the internet.”

Townsend has his partner, Marie Bailey, proofread all of his comments before he posts them.

“He asked me to proofread his comment like thirty times throughout the day,” said Bailey. “And every time, it was barely different than the last. There was one point where he didn’t ask me to proofread for a while, so I snuck down the hall to his office, peaked inside, and saw him sitting at his desk, blank staring at his comment for an hour straight. He didn’t blink. I’m glad he’s passionate about something, but he treats it like he’s drafting the Declaration of Independence, you know?”

Townsend reportedly felt a sense of superiority at the end of the twelfth hour when his comment satisfied his arbitrary criteria.

“Most schmucks on this website think they can slap together a comment in under a minute and call it a day,” said Townsend. “But not me. I’m calculated, I’m precise, and I hit hard. When I press that submit button, it’s like I’m putting a bullet in the head of everyone in this thread, capiche?”

At press time, Townsend’s comment, which reads “You’re wrong and also dumb. Learn some facts, idiot,” has already received three downvotes and no replies. Townsend remains undeterred and has begun drafting a follow-up comment that he predicts could take upwards of several months.

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