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RED ALERT: The Instagram Ads Have Figured Out You Have Depression

As social media algorithms grow more large and complex, they begin to learn and adapt to users more effectively. While this was initially a good thing, with content being curated to your likes and interests, the unthinkable has finally happened: Instagram has figured out that you’re incredibly depressed. 

After years of carefully navigating social media, the algorithm has learned the secret truth that you haven’t even had the courage to tell your parents. Perhaps Instagram noticed that you’re mostly awake during the hours of 11 to 6 A.M. every day, or maybe the support team saw your comment under a photo of your friend smiling at their wedding that said “enjoy it while it lasts.” Either way, instead of being advertised Chili’s new appetizers, you’re getting exclusively online therapy coupons and meditation app promotional giveaways.

It was nice while it lasted, just getting to view a Skittles commercial like any well-adjusted person, but now every passing advertisement ends with the phrase ‘Help Is Out There.’ Fooling your friends and family is one thing, but when you watch the same Instagram reel of a turtle taking a bath six times a day, mathematically there’s only one explanation. 

You can turn this around, right? Follow some exercise accounts, post a stock photo of a field and say you went on an ‘adventure’ today, something so the ads will get out of your head. Or maybe just get off social media all together? No, think realistically.  

Uh oh. You just got a bunch of sponsored posts about cheap estate planning near you. This can’t be good.